Of course, I can't ignore the other side of this coin; my anger towards God over my grandma Shirley's cancer. I'm starting to realize that I'm not easily pleased. If a miracle happens, I'm riddled with survivor's guilt. If tragedy strikes, I'm enraged at God for allowing such injustice to occur. I'm not sure what to do with this revelation of mine. It's just how I've been my whole life; perpetually angry and guilty towards God. Angry that He lets people get sick and die in horrible ways. Guilty when Divine Intervention seemingly occurs. 

I guess this is a negative part of human nature many people experience and struggle with. Anger and guilt are natural and healthy emotions to have sometimes. But, if it's perpetual, then it's an issue. And, I'm starting to realize that I'm always either angry at God, or guilty because of a miracle. There's basically no in-between. Either way, I'm never really at peace. My hackles are always raised, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm always primed to attack God instead of accept His love, grace, and mercy. It's a vicious cycle I can't seem to break. 

Perhaps, it's a matter of changing my own perspective on these things. I can easily justify my anger, anxiety, and survivor's guilt. I can easily consider myself a helpless victim of an exceptionally shitty set of genetic lotteries. I can easily look at myself in the mirror before a shower, trace my faded heart surgery scar down my chest, and forever see myself as irreparably broken and maimed, undeserving of God's love or even love from others. I can easily turn my back on God and those around me, and forever live in anger and resentment towards everything and everyone. I can easily drop out of college, get on disability, and never even try to become a productive, goal-oriented member of society. 

But, is that a life I want to live? Do I really want to be a miserable bastard who relies on edgy humor, video games, and nihilism to survive? Or, do I want to open my heart to others and to God, serving them and making the world around me a better place? Do I want to constantly live life in fear and as a victim, or do I want to do my best to overcome the hard stuff I'm faced with daily, find things I'm good at and interested in, and create meaning in life? 

Regardless of my faith, or the hardships I'm faced with, I don't want to live a meaningless life, where I just lock myself indoors all day and never speak to another soul. That's why, despite my grandma's cancer, the ongoing pandemic, my ASD diagnosis, my Cystic Fibrosis and Pulmonary Atresia, my cousin's covid, and all of the other horrible shit I've dealt with and continue to deal with, I'm still attending college, still going to family functions, still driving my brother and his friends to and from middle school, still trying new things to see what I enjoy and am good at, so on and so fourth. I can't let the hardships of life cripple me. Doing so would be a death sentence.