With all that said, despite all of the hell and hardship I'm currently faced with, as well as the trouble I've dealt with in the past, my faith seems to be stronger than ever. I'm not quite sure how to explain that in words. What I can say is that I'm starting to realize that my prayers and conversations with God haven't been just a one-way street. Sure, I've never actually heard God speak to me, like someone in the room would answer my questions. Instead, God shows up in other ways, though He is not usually visible until well after the event of Divine Intervention.
What the hell do I mean by that? Well, reflecting back on all the times I've prayed to God, whether angrily or neutrally or joyfully, I almost always got some sort of response to it. Sometimes, the responses are small, like the startling appearance of a specific bird or animal, or an out-of-the-blue Youtube video recommendation that seemed to be directly related to what I was praying about, or a brief, chance encounter with a stranger. Others have been much more profound, such as my Pulmonary heart valve suddenly growing back, or the unexpected FDA approval of Trikafta the same day I cried out to God begging for help, or the American Heart Association pamphlet catching my grandparents' attention while my grandpa suffered his widow-maker heart attack.
That's how God interacts with me, as well as with many people I know. That's how I know, deep down inside, that there is a God out there Who loves and cares for us. And, if there is a God like that, then it's only logical to conclude that we'll go to be with Him in spirit after we die. No matter who we are, what we are, or how we died, I don't think God blocks anyone out. He doesn't banish people to hell (which, by the way, the Bible actually speaks very little about the afterlife, though it does say in Romans 8:38-39 in the Bible that not even God's highest angels can keep us away from God. It is up to us to accept to be in His presence). He doesn't only let the "good ones" into heaven. He accepts all, but also allows people to drift away from them if they want to. He doesn't force anyone to do anything. He lets them and them alone choose what to do.
On a similar note, I'm having to suppress my selfish desire to go see my grandma Shirley as soon as possible and be glued to her side till God calls her home, because she just wants to be alone for now. I understand and accept that need to be alone, especially during these difficult times. When I was my sickest, I also just wanted to be left alone. Left alone to make peace with my imminent departure. Left alone to make peace with God. Left alone to do away with my selfish desires, and simply let go.
Thankfully, I survived, though I haven't really "reconnected" with the world, if that makes any sense. I am okay to just be. I am at peace with death and dying. I trust God to take care of me, even though I'm not at all certain He exists. My grandma Shirley seems to be doing the same things I did when I was very sick and not likely to get well again, and she wants to be alone while doing so. I admire that. I will respect that. In a way, I'm excited for her to be united with grandpa Bob again. When it's my time to go, I look forward to seeing them again face-to-face, along with everyone else who has passed before me.
At least, that's what I hope will happen when my time comes. I hope that's what happens when everyone's time comes. I hope, and believe, in a conscious afterlife of sorts. Do I know what that afterlife will be like? Absolutely not. But, I trust that it's there, even though I don't have a clue what that afterlife is. I just can't get myself to go against the evidence, no matter how unscientific and anecdotal it is, and believe that our consciousness just fades to blackness for eternity after we die.
