For a couple of months, that fear prevented me from getting to truly explore my surroundings. Not only was I frustrated at myself for being such a wuss, but I was quite embarrassed by my fear of the water. Or, more specifically, fear of the invisible life forms that could potentially colonize my airways and seriously harm me. Covid didn't help make the air seem any safer to breathe. Prior to getting my vaccine, I was just as hyper aware of the air I was breathing over a half a year into the pandemic, as I was when the shitshow first began.
But, what kept me going, kept me going back for another try, kept me from beating myself up and snarling at my past, was reminding myself constantly of what God did for Elijah when he sprinted away from Israel with his tail between his legs. God didn't scold Elijah or call him names for giving into fear. Neither did God miraculously take away all of Elijah's fear with the snap of a finger. Instead, God and Elijah worked together to get over those fears. In the end, Elijah was victorious. And, Elijah never died a physical death. Instead, God took him in his flesh up to heaven in a fiery chariot, which, from my understanding, means Elijah had been sanctified fully on Earth. His flesh could stand to see the face of God.
If Elijah was so precious to God despite his sins and fears, what made me think I wasn't also worthy of God's love and compassion despite my sins and fears? What made me think I shouldn't be loving and compassionate towards myself despite my fatal flaws? To be honest, I'm still wrestling with that question, as I am my worst critic. However, I will say, I'm starting to learn to love myself more, just as God does. Despite the imperfect, callous, vulgar, anxious genetic abomination that I am.
In fact, I took this question to heart almost right away. Instead of hating myself for being such a coward, I gently coaxed myself into getting closer and closer to the water, starting with just sitting with the scent of mud at low tide for a minute longer each time I felt the urge to run away, and then rewarding myself with kind words for being so brave. Within a few months, I was wading waist-deep in the Puget Sound under the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, fishing pole in hand, happy as could be.
But, I didn't do that just by myself. I asked God for help, as well. I was totally honest and open with Him about my fears and frustrations. After nearly every prayer in which I asked for help to overcome my fears, I was reminded of Elijah's story in 1 Kings. Not only did Elijah's story remind me that God loved me no matter how scared or upset I was, but it reminded me that life was not a race. Elijah spent over forty days meditating on his fears and transgressions in the wilderness. It took his entire life to get Israel back on the right path. Even when God took him home, the work was not yet complete. Elijah's servant, Elisha, took charge after he witnessed his best friend ascend to heaven aboard a flaming chariot.
It was not just okay, but encouraged, that I took my time to get used to things and over old fears. Life ain't a race. Society often claims that it is, but society isn't always right. It's okay and important to take one's sweet time. Slow and steady wins the race, after all! I know I'll die still just as flawed and sinful as I am now. But, because of Christ's sacrifice, I will still be shown mercy and love on my judgement day, literally for free, as Christ already paid for my sins on the cross. Throughout the rest of my life and into the next, I will be sanctified into the perfect being God intended us humans to be, just as He does for everyone who agrees to it.
