It was then I began to seriously wrestle with what Epicurus called, "The problem of God and suffering", specifically in regards to the Christian faith. Throughout my life, I'd heard many a Christian attempt to tackle the paradox, but they all failed to actually face it. Mostly, they tip-toed around the issue and said a lot of words. But, I wasn't looking for a politician-style answer to such a serious question. I wanted to face the "Good God, Evil World" questions head-on. I wanted a final, one-liner answer, especially after all I'd gone through.
Personally, I believe it's easy for people to dodge questions regarding God's morality, or lack thereof, only when they have experienced minimal suffering themselves. Sure, everyone knows about the starving orphans in third world countries and wards at Children's Hospital filled with dying cancer patients. But, thankfully, most people will never get to see or experience such horrific things first-hand. Honestly, I envy those people, and I hope they can stay sheltered from it for their whole lives. I still often wish I was blissfully ignorant of the horrors of this sick world.
Yet, there are advantages to being so painfully aware of the world's faults. Cystic Fibrosis, if anything, has forced me to become rather intimate with death. I've spent my entire life meditating on the fact that I would die one day, likely much sooner than my peers. I was forced to face suffering every day. I woke up in pain, and I fell asleep in pain. I even dreamt in pain. For awhile, I wrapped myself up in that misery like a child's security blanket. I more or less became a nihilist. I was (and still am) unafraid of death, and I became indifferent to suffering. I just got on with life. I focused on graduating high school, which now actually seemed possible. So long as I managed to live for another 180 days or so, I'd live to see my high school diploma. That was one of my few motivations, besides my love towards my friends and family, that got me up and at 'em in the morning.
Indeed, even my lump-of-coal for a heart was motivated to keep beating because of love.
