Anyway. 

I felt alone, and frankly, kind of threatened. I knew if my family found out about my newfound faith, they'd excitedly bombard me with questions aimed to figure out what happened, and what my faith is like. It wouldn't exactly be bad. I wouldn't be punished if I mentioned I left the cult of young earth creationism and was now very much against it, though I still loved and respected everyone who still believed young earth creationism. After all, it's possible to hate the belief but love the believer, just like it's possible to hate the sin but love the sinner. On top of that, one's salvation didn't depend upon whether or not they took Genesis literally. We all follow and believe in Christ. That's what makes us Christians.

Still, I didn't want to end up in a massive debate with my relatives, or somehow talk about the last three years of my life in an hour long lecture, where I might get ten minutes of that to defend my position if I tried hard enough. I wished I could talk to my family about my faith in God, without it turning into a long, exhausting, circular debate. I longed to have a productive discussion about my faith. I wanted to strengthen my faith. I wanted to bounce ideas off of others. I wanted to learn from others, take their advice to heart, and pray with them, so I could take what I got from them and apply it to my own life, so I could get closer and closer to God everyday, and build on my faith more and more. I wanted to have a faith in God so strong that nothing could shake it. I wanted to know God like I knew my closest friends and family members, so I could live my life as God intended me to. Iron sharpens iron, after all. 

But, to do that, I knew I needed to meet new people. 

I already had a handful of friends who seemed to see Christianity as I did, at least for the most part. But, I really wanted to join a church, and get to know others who could help guide me as the years wore on. I knew my faith in God was solid, but that didn't mean it was perfect. I knew I'd stumble and fall in my faith, again and again, for my entire life, and longed to surround myself with people who could help me reconcile my faith with the challenges I'd inevitably encounter. Also, I knew it was good for me to meet new people. I was (and still am) very shy and anxious. I may not show my social anxiety, but I feel it. Every time I wander into a new social situation alone, I feel like I'm hobbling into a hungry bear's den with my legs tied together and sausages wrapped around my neck. But, I figured with time, practice, age, and some Divine Intervention, I could get over that anxiety, and make new lifelong friends. 

Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, all the churches were shut down. However, that was also a good thing. A church a good friend of mine (who was also my former high school teacher) recommended to me, moved their sermons online. I wanted to attend that church in-person, but my social anxiety, mental health, and the fact I never was a morning person, all got in the way of that. I really did not feel even slightly comfortable attending a new church completely alone, having no idea what I was getting myself into, especially since I was already struggling with anxiety at the time, and struggled to go anywhere without having an anxiety attack.

I trusted my friend, and knew I wouldn't be wandering into a cult, complete with snake handling, over-enthusiastic faith healing, and praying in tongues. But, I still just didn't feel comfortable going to a new place completely alone, considering the circumstances. I wanted to be able to attend a new church anxiety-free, so I could really take everything in and figure out if I liked the place or not, without being distracted by my problems. 

Since that church's sermons moved online for the foreseeable future, I could get to know the pastor and what he preached without my anxiety getting in the way. I also didn't have to worry about getting up close to the crack of dawn. I could listen to the sermons whenever I liked without even leaving my bed. There were only a few short sermons posted online, as far as I found. But, I really enjoyed those sermons. They were thought-provoking and slightly uncomfortable.

The sermon the pastor posted online for Easter was especially uncomfortable, since he challenged the simplistic view of The Resurrection that I'd grown up being taught my whole life. However, it was a good feeling of discomfort. I didn't feel like I was listening to a wolf in sheep's clothing. In reality, I felt betrayed by previous churches I'd attended, much like how I felt when I discovered evolution was easily compatible with Genesis.

I wasn't as shocked by the Easter sermon I was listening to, like I was when I learned just how much shit those who preached literal creationism were full of, probably because the science vs God stuff I explored made me realize that Christianity was so much deeper than what I was originally taught. If there was so much more to Genesis than the literal creation of Adam and Eve from dust and a rib, then all of Christianity must be much deeper than the simplistic stuff I grew up with. So, I really wasn't too surprised when I learned the Resurrection of Jesus Christ wasn't actually a simple, straight-forward story. 

It excited me to learn and explore Christianity from a new perspective. Learning just how deep and meaningful Christianity really was, set my soul on fire. I was starved of that side of Christianity my whole life, which is why I became an atheist for awhile. The world wasn't simple, yet for a long time, the faith I was brought up in was simple. Too simple for this world. But, there was another, much deeper view of Christianity I thankfully found out about. Looking back, the fact that I'm a Christian today is a miracle. God heard my angry rants and felt my frustration and resentment towards Him and the church, and over months and years, slowly lead me back to Christianity.

It took a long time, but God was patient and kind. He never once whacked me in the back of the head with a tree branch whenever I mocked Him. He didn't strike me with lightning whenever I got mad at Him and called Him nearly every name in the book. He didn't reject me whenever I came crawling back to Him after fooling around for awhile, even though He knew I'd get pissed off again and turn my back on Him. Instead, God remained patient with me, and only showed me love and kindness. He also allowed certain bad things to happen to me to teach me valuable lessons I otherwise would not have learned, and to get me to places I needed to be. Now, after over six grueling years of struggling with God and faith, I'm comfortable calling myself a Christian, and feel very different than ever before. 

I'm not quite sure how to describe that "different" feeling. I just feel confident in my faith, I guess. I feel like I finally have a strong foundation to stand on, when before, every time I "came back to God", I felt like I was on shaky ground. I avoided exploring many of my questions, fearing I'd lose my faith. Truth is, when I finally cracked under pressure and explored those questions, I did lose my faith for a time. But, the faith I had from childhood was shit anyway and needed to go, so God could replace it with a much stronger faith. It took awhile to "un-learn" everything I learned from my days in sunday school, and I still have a long way to go before I learn what Christianity is really all about. But, after six long years, I learned enough to know and accept that I didn't know shit about Christianity, and would spend the rest of my life learning as much about it as possible, so my relationship with God would only get stronger and more meaningful.