After lunch, I headed back home and proceeded to barricade myself in my bedroom. I was frustrated that my grandpa just didn't understand it. He was helpful in a lot of ways, and in the past had a lot of good ideas and advice to give me. But, when it came to my depression and anxiety, he had no good advice to give me. He just seemed hellbent on discouraging me from taking the next logical step towards feeling better, which was getting on medication to give me a slight boost so I could better deal with my problems.
However, as I further digested the frustrating lunch conversation with my grandpa, a new and rather disturbing thought popped up in my head.
What if your depression and anxiety are a sign you're not close to God. After all, aren't you supposed to be joyful and grateful for everything if you really had Jesus in your heart?
As I thought back on my experiences with the church, as well as what my grandpa was saying, I realized that thought might actually be correct. What if I was depressed and anxious all the time because I wasn't yet a true Christian? What if my mental health issues were a sort of punishment for not putting all my faith and trust into God? As I chewed on these thoughts, my palms began to sweat, and my legs felt weak and wobbly. My heart was fluttering in my chest as my airways constricted. Once again, I began to endure another severe anxiety attack, and I broke down in tears fearing the worst.
I seemed to sink to an all-time low after that lunch. I was just haunted by the idea that I'd truly been forsaken by God. After all I'd done to get in touch with Him, and get to know Him, I was again kicked to the curb. I was riddled with anxiety that was growing worse by the minute, and there was also a level of depression. A growing part of me just wanted to quit trying to connect with God. After all, what was the point? Nearly everyone I talked to about God, and within many memoirs I'd read that were written by Christians who weren't always Christian, it seemed like everyone but myself reported a sense of inexplicable peace and joy shortly after confessing their faith. Yet, here I was, depressed and scared, after all I'd done to try to establish a connection with God. I wasn't at peace at all, nor was I happy or grateful.
That night, I was exhausted, yet at the same time, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in my bed for a couple of hours, until I had to get up to use the restroom. When I returned to my bedroom a couple minutes later, I noticed that I'd left my bible on my night stand. I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame for some reason. I'd began to read through 1 Kings a few days before, but got bored because nothing I was reading seemed very interesting to me. I was at the part where the bible describes how Solomon's temple was built. Not all that interesting or relevant in my opinion. Regardless, I decided to crawl under the covers, and read a little further through 1 Kings. Something within me just wanted me to do so, and I didn't think I could sleep unless I tried. Perhaps the boring book would make me tired enough to fall asleep.
Nothing really jumped out at me as I read through the chapters. It just seemed like a bunch of boring biblical history to me. At least I felt myself getting tired as I read about king Solomon and Elijah. That was until I reached 1 Kings 18. In that chapter, Elijah headed to the city of Jezreel, confident that Jezebel and Ahab would soon be dethroned, if they hadn't already lost their power. When he arrived to Jezreel, Elijah found out that not only were Jezebel and Ahab still in power, but they were actively seeking and killing anyone who didn't bow down to their gods. Elijah was their number one target, so he fled the city in fear, headed into the wilderness, and ended up collapsing under a tree. While he sat under that tree, Elijah begged God to kill him, and then he succumbed to his exhaustion and fell asleep. For two days, Elijah slept under that tree, only waking up when God sent an angel to deliver food to him everyday.
I paused. It took a little while for my tired mind to connect the dots. Like Elijah, I thought I was doing everything right when it came to forming a relationship with God. Of course, my circumstances were much different than Elijah's, but the roots of the message were still the same. I thought that if I just studied my bible more, prayed more, and did my best to look at the bright side rather than succumb to my pessimism and self-deprecation everyday, then I'd feel much closer to God and feel much more at peace in life.
Similarly, Elijah believed that if he just followed all of God's commands, he could defeat the evil rulers who wanted to kill everyone who didn't worship their gods, and take back Israel for God. Instead, Elijah was crushed to find out that his opponents were still in power and actively trying to kill him. Similarly, I was crushed when I realized that my depression and anxiety were only getting exponentially worse, despite my best efforts.
Like Elijah, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I wasn't close to being suicidal like Elijah was, but I was beginning to believe again that God had abandoned me. I wasn't thinking very clearly throughout the day, and I was only waking up to do things I was obligated to do, such as eat and take care of basic chores around the house. I didn't have the energy to pay attention to hobbies, or the ability to think clearly enough to type down a coherent sentence. I tried, but I always just ended up staring blankly into space, yawning a hundred times, and then crawling back into the warmth and comfort of my bed to sleep off the day.
I was very surprised by how God reacted to Elijah's depression at first. God didn't tell Elijah to get off his ass and do something productive. God didn't miraculously heal Elijah. God didn't lecture Elijah about how unacceptable and unfaithful his behavior was. Instead, God simply let Elijah rest, and made sure to feed him every now and then. Not only did God simply let Elijah rest, He actually commanded him to rest, so he'd be strong enough to embark on his next journey. If Elijah didn't rest and tend to his physical needs first, he wouldn't be able to fix his problems completely, if at all.
This struck me pretty hard. Unlike so many of my relatives, God was very aware that mental health issues were often tied a physical problem. Many of my relatives seemed to deny that I had any physical problems that were contributing to my anxiety and depression. After all, physically I was amazingly healthy! What other physical problems were there that had to be fixed? Well, my anxiety and depression issues were obviously genetic, at least in some ways. Both of my parents, and many of my grandparents, needed medication to fix their anxiety and depression issues. So, it was pretty obvious that I had some genetic issues in my brain that needed to be addressed, before I could begin to address other things that were contributing to my worsening mental health.
My eyes welled up with tears and I could no longer read through my blurred, teary vision, so I decided to put the bible down and try to go to sleep for the night. It was clear to me that, while many people didn't get it, God understood exactly what was happening to me. And, best of all, He was ok with it. What I was going through was normal. So normal in fact, that one of God's most faithful followers fell victim to severe depression and anxiety too, thousands of years before I did. My depression and anxiety didn't make me any less of a Christian. They were just another part of being human.
I cried myself to sleep that night, though my tears didn't come entirely from a place of pain. I felt more relieved than anything. I was relieved that God acknowledged my mental health issues were largely genetic. They were physical problems that needed to be addressed. And, while many people tended to over-spiritualize my issues, God recognized that I really needed a little help from medication, and a lot more sleep than what I was typically getting, to get back on my feet. Of course, I needed support in other ways too, including from God. But, the first step was medication to take the edge off, so everything else would be much more effective in combating my mental health issues.
