As spring drew nearer and the weather warmed up, I ended up spending a lot more time outside to soak up the sun and enjoy the fresh air. Things were just beginning to wake up after hibernating through the winter. Tiny green blades of grass sporadically sprouted from the barren fields. The creeks were swollen with snow-melt. Birds of all kinds were everywhere and busy building their nests. Rabbits and squirrels playfully chased each other around and munched on the new blades of grass. Tiny buds began to pop up on every tree and barren bush. Pine cones began to grow on the pines as well. And, best of all, there were flowers, and I could smell them for the first time. Like, really smell them! And, I didn't even have to shove my nose into them to even catch a faint whiff of their scents.
Unfortunately, while spring was upon us, a new disease arrived in the United States, hitting Washington state very hard. I'd heard bits and pieces about a new zoonotic virus that shut down parts of China, but it didn't really catch my attention until it arrived in the States. When it did, cases began to pop up everywhere, coming closer and closer to home. Now, I was nervous.
I went to therapy one morning, as usual, and brought up my anxiety surrounding the new virus to my therapist. She listened to me, told me what researchers and scientists already knew about the new virus to put my mind at ease, and finally told me to "Jesus up!". I ought to see this new disease as a challenge or a test. I was a Christian, after all. I could communicate with God, and I should also trust in Him with all my heart, and not rely on my own understanding of the world.
Yes, we ought to be smart. My therapist was planning on continuing therapy from home using technology until the new virus was no longer such a threat. But, there was nothing bad about getting close to God and trusting Him during times of crisis when we, as individuals, were already doing everything in our power to not get sick. My therapist also reminded me that I was already a master at avoiding illnesses, so I shouldn't get too worked up about the potential pandemic. After all, God was in control, and I had been trained my whole life to avoid getting sick.
Instead of getting offended or put-off by my therapist's motto "Jesus up!", like I usually would have, I actually liked the idea. It didn't mean I'd rely solely on God to stay healthy, while not taking other measures to stay healthy (unlike what an alarming number of Christians were doing, since they fully, and wrongly, believed they were immune to the virus because God wouldn't allow them to get it). I was still gonna listen to what the doctors and scientists said about the new disease as they learned more about it. It just meant I'd lean into God and trust that He had everything under control, while I did everything in my power to stay safe and well. For the first time in my life, I was willing to give God the reins, and trust Him fully.
After all, there wasn't anything I could do to stop a soon-to-be-pandemic. There wasn't anything I could do that would ensure my friends and family would take this disease as seriously as I was, and stay safe and healthy. There wasn't anything I could do to help the doctors and scientists learn about the virus, and come up with new treatments and a vaccine for it. And, there was a very real possibility I couldn't do anything to prevent myself from getting sick, as many people were getting sick from the virus and had no idea how or why. All I could do was stay home, wash my hands, take care of my basic needs, and pray. I'd already been doing three out of the four things all my life, so it wouldn't be too hard to talk to God everyday too, right?
Even though it seemed like the apocalypse was among us, I remained at peace. I don't know how to explain it. It was just really easy for me to stay calm, even though everyone else was acting like the end was nigh. I had no trouble disregarding the news media as a bunch of morons looking to make a few bucks off a global pandemic, by reporting on the scariest stories no matter how absurd they were. I found myself laughing aloud at people's ridiculous rants on social media, where they spread conspiracy theories around and played the blame-game. I slept well at night, and didn't have any more anxiety attacks. And, it was getting exponentially easier for me to think and focus. I was no longer lost in the fog of depression. Overall, I felt great, and I was beginning to resemble my old self again.
Even though the new virus, which was eventually named Covid-19, posed a huge risk to my health and life, as well as to the health and lives of many of my loved ones, I remained calm. After all, God was in control. I trusted He had a plan for everyone, whether they lived or passed away. Sure, I was still very worried about everyone I knew and loved, and made sure to contact everyone I knew to make sure they were okay and taking things seriously. But, I was able to stay calm by reminding myself that God was in control. I felt even better knowing that almost everyone I knew and loved was taking things very seriously. I prayed for the few who thought it was all nonsense, or agreed it was real but didn't really care to take any extra precautions. But, beyond that, I focused on keeping myself healthy and safe the best way I knew how.
While I was tethered to my home due to the virus, as was everyone else I knew, I still made sure to enjoy the great outdoors. Every day the weather permitted it, I drove three minutes into the mountains to hike on private secluded hiking trails. I had access to the trails, since I was a resident of the neighborhood, even though I lived in the older part of the neighborhood just east of the mountains. Since the hiking trails were only for residents, there weren't many people on them. And, if there were people on the trail, there was plenty of wide open space for me to venture into so I didn't get too close to others.
I absolutely fell in love with those trails. While the world was in utter chaos, and the threat of illness and death again loomed over me, those trails offered me a serene place to escape to when I just needed some alone time out of the house. I couldn't go to any stores, or see my friends and family outside of my household in-person. But, I could go into the wilderness, which had a meditative effect on me.
I felt incredibly close to God during my hikes through the wilderness in the foothills. I spent most of my time thinking about God during those hikes, as well as praying to Him, and simply gazing at the wilderness around me in awe. Even though spring had just arrived, and most of everything was still dead and hibernating, there was beauty everywhere. I just couldn't get over how epic the landscape around me was. I'd seen landscape like it numerous times, but it never failed to astonish me, no matter how many times I saw it.
Some trails led me through treeless valleys, where rocky foothills blanketed in golden grass reached towards the wide open skies above. Other trails wound around huge red rocks that protruded from the earth in the middle of the neighborhood, and led a little ways out of the neighborhood along a creek swollen with snow-melt, and surrounded by flame willows, cottonwoods, and aspens. But, my favorite trail led me along and sometimes through a creek sheltered by trees and brush of all kinds, and into the woods to the west, where wildlife watched me as I followed the red dirt path deeper and deeper into the woods. Some of God's wild creatures were a little too friendly, but I managed to keep my distance. For the most part.
During one of my many adventures in the valley, I suddenly came to the realization that I'd surrendered myself to God. It happened way sooner than I thought. But, I couldn't lie to myself and deny the fact that I'd finally, after years and years, surrendered myself to God.
When I say "I surrendered myself to God", I don't mean I did it out of fear, or in a dramatic way. I didn't surrender to God like outnumbered soldiers surrendered to their enemy. I didn't fall on my knees, bawling my eyes out, shouting to God I'd finally surrendered, begging for His acceptance and forgiveness. I knew I was already loved and forgiven, and there was nothing that could get in the way of God's love and forgiveness. I just accepted that almost nothing in life was in my control, but God was in control of everything. I also accepted that God was, well, God. He created everything, and there wasn't an atom in existence that God did not create or have control over. A buddhist quote, "Relax. Nothing is in control." came to mind, except it was a little different.
"Relax." said a quiet thought in my mind, "Nothing is in your control, but it's in God's."
While I didn't even have control over my own heartbeat, God was in control of literally everything, and had very good reasons to justify why things were the way they were. Sure, God may not always do what we want Him to do. But, there are good reasons for that. A kid may want to eat nothing but candy and do nothing but play video games, but is that good for the kid? No. Parents make their kids eat their vegetables and go to school for very good reasons. Sure, the kid usually doesn't get it in the moment, but looking back when they're older and wiser, they'll see why school and broccoli were so much better than gummy bears and video games. Similarly, God doesn't always do what we would like for very good reasons way may or may not understand right now, but we will understand those things later. Occasionally, we'll come to a revelation about something in life, but we probably won't understand why everything happened the way they did until we die and go to heaven, where we can ask God Himself.
I still don't understand what God was doing when He allowed me to be born with two extremely rare and dangerous health conditions, that could've easily dealt significant, permanent damage to nearly every major organ in my body, but didn't. I'm honestly still angry and upset about those things. But, the anger and resentment I feel due to my medical past doesn't overwhelm how grateful I am to be alive and healthy, and how amazed I am by the miracles it took to keep me alive and healthy.
If God did not miraculously heal me or provide me with the perfect doctors and treatments at exactly the right times, my open heart surgery scars would remain fresh, my respiratory and digestive systems couldn't sustain me on their own like they can, and my quality of life in general would be horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I probably would've opted for assisted suicide, or done the deed myself. I couldn't imagine surviving in a failing body for the next sixty or seventy years. That would simply be horrendous and cruel. But, maybe I would've had a different view if I was actually in that situation. Instead, I'm seeing life in a body crippled by illness from a body that's no longer crippled by illness. Perhaps, people with no health issues at all look at me and think they'd rather die than live in my body.
While I am still afflicted by my health conditions, and still have to take care of myself than most, I'm not seriously ill. In fact, I'm pretty much a normal person. At the time of writing this, I've been on Trikafta for four months now. I no longer suffer from joint pain, CFRD, major digestive issues, weight loss, frequent infections, or breathing issues. I can breathe and move like never before. I can eat foods without getting sick that previously wrecked me, which means I've been going a little crazy with spicy tacos, pizzas, chocolate cream eggs, oatmeal made with whipping cream, celery and apples with peanut butter, bacon, and so much more. I've gained close to twenty pounds since starting Trikafta with almost no effort, and feel stronger than ever before. I have Pseudomonas, but it is completely asymptomatic. I can fight off colds and viruses with ease. I can hike and run in the mountains without feeling extremely short-of-breath. I don't even cough anymore.
On top of that, despite being a little strange, my heart still works like it should. Sure, I have an extra beat and my feet are always tinted a shade of blue. But, those are not abnormal for me. My heart can keep up with ease, even as I rigorously exercise. I'm the only person in the world with Pulmonary Atresia who has survived this long and well without medication or multiple heart procedures, and there's no reason to believe that will change in the future. Cardiologists still don't know why my heart was healed, or even how it happened. If that's not a miracle from God, I have no idea what is.
