I began to see things differently. Okay, while my faith in God was restored and stronger than ever, and continued to strengthen everyday, my faith in humanity was dead. People were fucking stupid, and the pandemic really showed off their true colors. But, since I was pent up at home, and my mental health had healed tremendously since the start of the year, I began to write for the memoir again. As I reflected back on my life and typed up my thoughts at lightning speed, I realized that there was a silver lining to every horrendous thing that ever happened to me. And, I began to feel truly blessed despite everything I'd gone through.

Sure, I suffered a lot, and I still fantasized about a life without Cystic Fibrosis, or Pulmonary Atresia, or a broken, blended family, or anxiety, or anything like that. But, if it weren't for those things, I wouldn't have such a huge family, or the close friends I now have, or the wisdom I have, or the faith in God I have. In fact, I realized my suffering was what ultimately led me to surrender myself to Christ, and accept Him as my Lord and Savior. If I'd been spared of all the suffering I had endured, either I would've had a very shallow faith in God, or no faith at all. But now, for the first time in my life, I felt truly confident in my faith in God. 

I could also relax, knowing almost nothing was in my control, but everything was in God's control. God was not malevolent or careless, meaning I could fully trust Him with my life, and the lives of others. After all, God knew way more than I, or anyone else, could ever know in a lifetime. And, He was infinitely more powerful than anyone or anything else. So, why shouldn't I trust Him? Truth is, there wasn't a reason I shouldn't trust Him. God had shown me, again and again throughout my life, that He was in control, and He knew what was best for me. And, He could turn even the worst circumstances into blessings. 

Needless to say, I was exhilarated by my newfound faith in God. It's hard to put into words what I felt. I was still having issues with bitterness, anger, and worry. I wasn't perfectly happy or at peace, due to my human nature. I didn't show off my emotions. I remained my same stoic self. But, at the same time, I felt just so much better, even though nothing in my life, besides my faith, had changed. I knew God was changing something within me. I wasn't (and still not) sure what it was. But, I could feel it happening. 

While I still had the same personality, other people in my life, especially those living closest to me, could tell something was changing with me. According to them, I had a little more life in my eyes, was a little more optimistic, and wore a smile more often than usual. I was even becoming more social and extroverted. Most of everyone who noticed these things about me assumed it was due to Trikafta, which I'm sure part of it could be attributed to that lifesaving medication. But, deep down inside, I knew it was mostly God's doing. 

I kept quiet about my faith in God. My journey through faith was between me and God. I didn't, and still don't, want to open up about it to people, especially since I fear many people wouldn't understand it. My family, in particular, freaks me out.

My mom and one set of maternal grandparents are Christians who subscribe to literal, young-earth creationism. My dad, as far as I'm aware, still considers himself an atheist. My other set of maternal grandparents are mostly agnostic, though my grandma Debbie believes in some sort of Higher Power. Clarke still sits on the verge of anti-theism. I'm sure I have a few buddhists and pagans in my family too. And, most of my paternal relatives in Minnesota are conservative Lutherans. As far as I know, my faith's pretty damn different from what I was raised with.

I still believe that Christ is the Son of God, Who died for our sins on the cross and rose from the dead three days later, although I'm beginning to learn that the resurrection of Christ isn't as simple as I was taught. But, beyond that, my faith is pretty different from my Christian family members' faiths, in some ways or others. I've reconciled modern science with my faith, while my mom and grandparents still subscribe to literal, young earth creationism. Evolution, dinosaurs, and the Big Bang, which have overwhelming scientific evidence behind them, aren't at odds with my faith. If anything, modern science actually further supports my faith. I'm in awe by just how much time and detail God put into our universe.

Could God create a 6,000 year old universe, ditch billions of years of evolution to create things as-is, give Moses a pet dinosaur, drench the entire globe in water that rises above the tallest mountains, and everything else young earth creationists claim God did? Of course! If He did such things in this universe, I'd expect modern science to agree with young earth creationism. But, it doesn't. 

There are living trees and ancient human civilizations that are thousands of years older than the universe young earth creationists believe in. Rocks and sediment have settled in obvious, flat layers all over the world, instead of settling in swirls like you'd expect to see if there was a global flood, and there's not a single fossil from one time period that has been found in a layer from a different time period. We have fossils that clearly show how one animal has slowly transitioned over millions and billions of years into a completely new animal, and bacterial cells and viruses turn from one thing to another thing all the time. The language of DNA has clearly linked every living thing on earth to a single common ancestor that lived a very long time ago, and is how doctors can figure out how to treat and cure genetic conditions with medication, such as Trikafta for Cystic Fibrosis. 

When we look up in the night sky, we are literally staring into the past thanks to a unit of measurement called a light year. Most of the stars and galaxies we see in the night sky died millions and billions of years ago, and have probably been replaced by new celestial bodies. If there's an alien civilization in a galaxy millions of light-years away from us, and they built a telescope powerful enough to zoom in on us, they'd see earth as it was millions of years ago. They wouldn't see the continents as they are now, nor would they see life as it is now. Instead of people, they'd see dinosaurs. 

According to the laws of physics, the speed of light is constant, while time is the variable. We know the speed of light, and how far away other stars and galaxies are away from us, allowing us to figure out how old things are using mathematical equations, some of which I remember solving in high school. We've seen and taken pictures of what things were like over thirteen billion years ago, thanks to the speed of light. We also know what the Big Bang sounded like, thanks to a staticky echo (the white noise) that radios and TV antennas pick up on. 

We know how old things are and how things work thanks to modern science. Modern science strongly conflicts with young earth creationism. Modern science is also the reason why I'm alive and well today. Cystic Fibrosis treatments rely on our modern understanding of biology in order to work. In fact, Dr. Francis Collins, who was part of the team that discovered the CF gene and has spent his entire career inventing new medications and treatments to treat and eventually cure CF, among many other cool things, is a Christian, and has written numerous books reconciling modern science with Christianity. There are many other doctors and scientists just like him. 

Knowing all of this (which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what science has revealed about the world), why would God make the world look so old if it's only 6,000 years old? Personally, I couldn't put my faith and trust in a God who would create the world so quickly, yet make it look so old. Literal creationists also claim that the laws of nature and science have changed over time, such as the speed of light and the way trees grow. That would mean that the laws of nature are not constant or trustworthy, even though modern science is certain that the laws of nature have always been the way they are, thanks to mathematics. Why would God allow the laws of nature to change so rapidly over time? That would be deceptive. I don't worship a deceptive God. That God is not trustworthy. I worship a God I can trust with my life, and the lives of everyone else. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people refuse to let go of literal creationism. They claim it's dangerous to reconcile Christianity (or any religion) with modern science, since it apparently undermines the authority of God. Reconciling modern science with Christianity is also another way we allow the sins of modern culture to seep into the faith. The evidence and arguments literal creationists have to back up these statements is pretty weak, in my opinion, especially since their arguments to back up these outrageous claims rely on even more literal, western interpretations of scripture.

We really should be trying to view the bible as ancient Middle Easterners viewed it. It's pretty easy to do using the internet. It doesn't take a theologian or native Hebrew or Greek speaker to read the bible in the original language it was written in, since we can just ask the internet to show us what the raw Greek and Hebrew texts say in English. Also, we can see by reading those texts, as well as learning a little bit of ancient history, what an average person living in those times thought about the world. They viewed the world and the bible very differently than us modern westerners. 

Sadly, most literal creationists won't do that, which seems to be a major reason why Millennials and Gen Z'ers are leaving Christianity in droves. Literal creationism pushed me away from Christianity for a long time, and if I hadn't stumbled across the things I did, I'd remain a staunch atheist for life. The God literal creationists worship hardly stands up to scrutiny these days, since we live in the age of information. 

Literal creationism was pretty widespread and unchallenged in the 1990's and before, because people didn't have access to the internet back then. Parents could homeschool their children to shelter them from modern science, and their kids wouldn't question it, until modern biology hit them like a truck in adulthood, resulting in a lot of people becoming bitter atheists. I felt very betrayed by the faith I grew up with, and I wasn't sheltered from modern science at all. I can't imagine what it must be like for kids who were homeschooled their whole lives, who have almost no idea what modern science really says, to suddenly learn about modern science in college or through the internet. No wonder so many young people are ditching the Christian faith. It's tragic.