Several weeks later, after a rough trip to Seattle, Washington to visit with overbearing relatives, I was stuck at Clarke's yet again after the flu took over my house. I did enjoy my unexpected stay out in the country in some ways, but I was also sick, on multiple medications to combat a sinus infection and tame down the flu if I had it (since I was exposed to the flu at home before I left for Clarke's), and the weather really sucked on those wide open plains.
I had plenty of time to be alone with my own thoughts, which inevitably led me to start thinking about God. I wasn't really ready to give up on God just yet, even after the ridiculous lecture I heard from Matthew's dad. I tried to tell myself that people didn't necessarily represent the faith. There were crazy radicals in every religion, political party, family, friend group, so and so fourth. That person, or people, did not represent what they were a part of as a whole.
Just because many of the Christians I'd interacted with believed that the King James Version of the bible was the only valid translation, the universe and earth were both only 6,000 years old, and evolution and human caused climate change were both fake news, didn't mean every Christian believed in those things. There were plenty of Christians out there who accepted modern science. I just didn't think I'd run into many of them yet.
On our way back to Elizabeth after seeing a movie in town, Clarke and I somehow got to talking about religion and what he believed. Clarke declared himself an atheist. He argued there was just too much suffering and disorder in the world for there to be a loving, personal God. I empathized with him, and agreed with a lot of his points.
Clarke grew up with an abusive and later absent father. Then, a couple decades later, met and befriended a paraplegic man called Doug who was about as anti-religious as one could get. Doug was very bitter about being so disabled, and wasn't shy about pinning it all on God. Doug was basically the father Clarke never had up until he died in his 60's. Not even a year after Doug passed away, Clarke lost his mother after she battled ALS for less than two years. Clarke spent those two years taking care of his mom, and was forced to watch helplessly as she rapidly lost her ability to move, eat, and breathe. Clarke has also known me since I was five years old, and had seen me absolutely crippled by Cystic Fibrosis multiple times throughout my life. I didn't really have much to say against what Clarke was saying. He was right. This world was seriously fucked up. How could a perfect, loving, all-powerful God create such a messed up place? And, why did it seem like He singled out certain people to suffer more than others?
That discussion with Clarke gave me a lot to chew on, especially since I was suffering so much at that very moment. I couldn't digest anything because antibiotics destroyed my digestive system. I was incredibly anxious because of my illness and risk of developing the flu. If I developed the flu, I would certainly die, or at least come very close to it. And, even if I did recover from the flu, I'd never be nearly as healthy as I was. If I got the flu, I wouldn't outlive my parents. That was a terrible pill to swallow. I also felt increasingly lonely and sad. I was stuck out in Elizabeth, Colorado in January and into February. The weather on those great plains during those months is always horrendous. I wasn't spending much time outside because of it. I was confined to a 2,500 square foot house with only two other people, and was on the verge of losing my mind.
Not only was science gnawing at my faith again, but so was philosophy. How could I continue to believe in a loving, all-powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, perfect God if almost everything in my life was going wrong? To be honest, I really couldn't. Life was just going too wrong for there to be a loving God out there watching over me. Not only did Cystic Fibrosis have me pinned to the ground, but I felt as though atheism finally caught up to me as well. I didn't have anyone to really talk to, except Clarke who was an atheist on the verge of being an anti-theist. He would give me an outlet to vent, and he could also empathize with me, but he wouldn't help me reconcile my current problems with God. If anything, he would only confirm that atheists were right about God.
