Truth is, to me, death is far less scary than living. When I say that to people, they usually don't know what to do with that sentence. At best, they just look at me like I've got two heads. At worse, they ask if I'm okay and in therapy. To be fair, I don't blame people for getting so... uncomfortable... whenever I bring up the fact that I should've died a long time ago. But, whenever I do bring it up, it's simply because I wish to tell my story from my perspective, to anyone who's willing to listen. I also hope to hear some advice from people who grew up preparing for a long life, because I sure as hell haven't a damn clue how to prepare for a long life. 

Unlike dying, I haven't spent years meditating on living. I have a pretty good idea of what dying and death are like. Technically, I've been dead before, and I've come near to death too many times to count. I've witnessed the death of loved ones, whom I will forever grieve till we meet again. I've made my peace with God (for the most part), and talk to Him every day, throughout the day, like I would a close friend. I've experienced and witnessed miracles of all kinds, the most baffling of which was when my heart valve grew back when I was in kindergarten. To this day, my cardiologists can't explain that one (and I ask every few years when I go in for an echocardiogram). 

Evidently, while I often say, "I should've died...", the truth is the opposite. For reasons nobody can explain without Divine Intervention, I'm still here. Healthier than ever. Clearly, I'm supposed to be here. If I wasn't, I would've died as a newborn, or in elementary school, or in middle school, or in high school. But... I didn't. I came very close, which is why I've grown so comfortable with dying and death. But, I didn't just survive my childhood. I'm healthier as an adult than I ever was a kid, and I'm still getting healthier as time goes on. 

Because of this, people often urge me to just "let go of the past" and "look forward to the future", and to shut the hell up about death and dying. But, how can I? I can't simply "forget the past" and move on from it. My past shaped me into who I am today. That said, I don't base my entire identity on my past. But, the past is certainly worth remembering, reflecting upon, and listening to. Especially with those who were there when I was at my sickest.