Perhaps, all of this explains why I've been struggling so much lately, despite having it easier than ever before. I spent my entire life living in "survival mode" until Trikafta came along. Then, shortly after that, covid arrived, and I got to get back to living in "survival mode" for another year or so. But now that I've since been vaccinated, and science has figured a lot about covid, I've no longer been living in "survival mode". Frankly, I don't know what mode I'm currently in, but it isn't "survival mode", and it's not "vacation mode" either.

It's something entirely different that I've never experienced before. It's something I can't put into words. It's something I don't understand. I'm sure there's a term for what I've been experiencing since April of 2021. I'm sure there's an explanation as to why I currently feel the way that I do. I just don't know it. And so far, no one I've discussed this with has any clue what to call it either.

That said, whatever I'm feeling right now isn't bad. The way that I'm currently living my life isn't bad. It's actually objectively good. I mean... I'm not worried about dying anymore. I don't spend the first two hours of my morning hacking up mucus from my lungs anymore. I don't wake up or go to bed sick as a dog. I have more energy to do things than ever before... physically at least. I'm physically stronger and healthier than ever before, and my physical strength and health are still only increasing with time. I'm no longer severely limited by my body. I can, quite literally, do anything I put my mind to, with no greater risk to my physical health. 

And, that overwhelms me. The opportunities before me are so great that I'm paralyzed by them. I'm scared shitless because I didn't get to spend my childhood preparing for this time in my life. I mean... I thought I'd be dead by now... or at the very least, way too sick to really go anywhere or do anything. In a weird way, I feel that I was supposed to die, but somehow cheated the inevitable. I stepped into an alternate universe where I no longer have CF, and now I'm having to learn, through trial and error, how to live like everyone else. 

My prayers were answered. But, there is a small part of me that keeps repeating the mantra, "Be careful what you wish for..." 

I begged for life. I fought like hell to stay as alive and healthy as I could for as long as I could, while simultaneously preparing myself for if/when my body failed, trying my best not to think about the future because... well... growing up, my future was bleak. It was full of suffering and dying young. That fate was literally coded into my genes. Yet, somehow, scientists and doctors found a way to fix that code. Sure, Trikafta's not a perfect fix, and it's not a cure either. But, it's one of the most exciting, ground-breaking scientific creations the world has ever seen. Most people just don't realize it yet.  

Prior to Trikafta, gene-editing someone who has already been born was straight-up science fiction! But, now it's reality, and I'm among the first 20,000 people in the world to test this new thing out. As great as it is, as thankful for it as I am, I'm still terrified of it. Nobody knows what to expect long-term. The impacts of Trikafta continue to be studied, but since I'm on the cutting edge of this stuff, when something new crops up, nobody has any real answers for me aside from, "Keep monitoring the situation and let us know ASAP if things get much worse."

What does one say to that? What does one do with that? Well... I personally do what I can to get it out of my mind. Whatever Trikafta does is almost completely out of my control, just like how CF was (and still kind of is) completely out of my control. Trikafta's gonna do what Trikafta's gonna do, and all anyone can do is watch it like a hawk, and take note of the good, the bad, and the ugly. All while trying to get on with life as a "normal" person, because chances are, I'm gonna live a long, healthy life. 

But, how can I? How can I get on with life like everyone else, after all I've been through, and also while I'm trying to keep calm while Trikafta changes each and every cell in my body? Well... I've been going to college since the fall of 2021. While college has given me a little structure to my life, it hasn't made me feel any better about myself or my future. 

When I went to college, I expected to find people to connect with there. Community colleges are hugely diverse schools. People from all over the world and from all walks of life attend community college. My college offers hundreds of classes, dozens of clubs, and so much more. And yet... I still feel very alone in that vast sea of college students. 

I'm the only person with CF (to mine and my college's knowledge) who currently attends ACC (each semester, I make sure to ask if there's anyone else with CF on campus, so I don't exchange CF-specific lung germs with them), and that's been the case since I started. That's not surprising, as there are only 35,000 Americans with CF (roughly 100,000 people have it worldwide). I'm very glad that so few people have such fucked up genetics. But, goddamn... does that make me feel so alone. 

So disconnected from everyone else. 

I guess facing death at a young age (or any age, really) drastically changes a person. Most of my peers have never had to face death or struggle to survive, which is awesome! I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through. But, there is a huge maturity gap between myself and my peers, contributing to my feeling of loneliness. 

When I mention my loneliness, most people just urge me to join more clubs, attend more classes, get more phone numbers, etc. etc. But, I've been doing that since I got my covid shots, and it hasn't really helped. If anything, the more people I meet, the longer I attend college, the smaller the world feels, the more alone I feel. It's hard to explain why this is. It's almost like I see and experience life very differently from most people around my age (and older). And that puts a barrier between myself and everyone else, making it much harder for me to make true connections with other people. 

I can't really describe what that barrier is. I can't really explain why I feel so... old... for my age, if that makes sense. I mean... I can understand it on a surface level. As I said earlier, death changes people in dramatic ways. But, I can't really describe what those changes are. I just know that something about me just doesn't seem to... well... connect with most other people under the age of sixty too well. I don't think it's arrogance. I don't think it's fear. I don't think it's any of that stuff. It's just... a barrier... an acrylic glass wall that splits me from everyone else, and I don't know how to get through that barrier to others, and vise versa.

The reality I grew up in is completely different from the reality I live in today. I spent over eighteen years of my life preparing for death, only to be expected to be prepared for life. And, I don't know what it means to "be prepared for life". I don't know how to "act my age". I don't know what I want to do with myself for the next fifty-plus years, assuming Trikafta holds up for that long, and I don't die in some freak accident. In college, I'm just barely starting to figure out what I'm good at, and what skills of mine I can make a decent living off of. I don't have the slightest clue of what I ought to do with my life moving forward. 

In short, I'm just paralyzed. I feel just as stuck and alone as I did three years ago, and I don't know what else to do about that. Aside from what I'm already doing.