It sucks to know that I'll never be "normal", no matter what I do or how well I act and look "normal". It sucks to know that I'll never be "healthy", in the sense that I'll ever be cured of CF. Honestly, all I want right now is to be like everyone else. By that, I mean I wish it didn't take so much out of me just to do one fucking college class, while my peers seem to be breezing through multiple college classes, and are still able to work or finish high school with a fucking 4.0 GPA, and maintain an active social life, and more.

It pisses me off when a lab partner bitches about the fact that she didn't get to be valedictorian, because her arch nemesis got two more points on a math test than she did. It makes me feel worthless when I learn about all of the amazing things my peers are up to outside of class, such as working at a nursing home part-time, or expecting their second child, or are living with their grandparents to keep them company and help them out when needed. I worry I'll never discover what I am both good at and I can do without burning out, especially when I'm surrounded by people who have their hearts set on becoming NASA engineers, or physicists, or medical doctors, or teachers. It makes me physically sick whenever I try to read about people who have found a way to live successful, fulfilling lives despite their disabilities/conditions, and instead come across statistics that show upwards of 90% of Autistics are unemployed and living in a shithole on disability, or people with Cystic Fibrosis my age are still requiring lung transplants dying young despite advances in medical science. 

Logically, I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to other people. I know it's not right to be jealous of my peers for not suffering quite like I have. I know that I am not defined by statistics I find online. I know there is zero pressure for me to be doing anything right now, and my parents are constantly reassuring me that I am always welcome under their roofs, and I will figure out what I am good at and what I can turn into a career. Obviously, I am smart enough to go to college, and I just have to find ways to cope with the social and sensory struggles (which there are many of). But, logic and knowledge don't seem to trump my anxiety even slightly. It never does. 

So, what should I do? I don't have a damn clue. I've found the best damn therapist I could find. I'm taking my medications and modifying them (with the help and permission from my doctors, of course) to lessen my anxiety and keep my Cystic Fibrosis hogtied. I'm eating healthy foods and spending at least an hour each day outside, no matter the weather. I'm keeping myself and my surroundings clean and organized the best I can, despite my lack of energy. I'm getting well over eight hours of sleep per night (and day). I'm doing my best to find what joy and peace I can, even if it's just a few hours' worth per week. I'm still asking God for help and guidance regularly, even though I'm going through yet another major faith crisis. 

Overall, I'm giving life the best I've got, and yet I find myself fearing the future and losing more and more hope and confidence each and every day. Between Trikafta and the boredom of quarantine, I thought it was finally safe for me to dream. So, I outlined my next big goal (going to college and getting my associate's degree), put a lot of thought into where I'd like to live, and how I'd like to go about making a living.

So far, I've decided that I'd like to live a rather solitary life in a very small house or cabin in the wilderness, working from home doing a job that doesn't require a lot of social interaction, or won't kill me like farming easily could. But, the work-from-home jobs I'm thinking about (such as computer programming, engineering, zoology, biology, writing/publishing, whatever the hell park caretakers do) all pretty much require college. And, right now, college is just ruining me, despite the material and academics of college being heavy though easy for me to grasp and understand. Again, it's the social aspects of college I'm having severe trouble with. Not the material itself.