I’m just about halfway done with this semester, and I’m really starting to get run-down. For the longest time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong. What was making me so tired every day? Why was I having to rely on increasing amounts of caffeine every day? Why didn’t home feel like the refuge it once was? Why did I only recover once I was fully alone, hiking in the foothills where my only company was the wildlife (and the occasional ranger that never failed to sneak up on me and scare the shit out of me)?

Well, I finally have an answer to all of that, thanks to my current therapist who specializes in young women on the autism spectrum. “You’re burning out,” my therapist explained, “It’s normal to burn out, especially with all of the things you’re having to get used to… And the fact that you haven’t done much of any real self-care since the pandemic…”

At first, I wasn’t quite sure what she meant, especially when she accused me of not truly taking time off for myself. But, it eventually hit me. When was the last time I’ve been hunting? Or dirtbike riding? Or to one of the family farms? Or horseback riding where I had the freedom to go where I want and as fast as I could ride? Or out in the wilderness for an extended period of time? When was the last time I was left entirely alone, surrounded by nature, and a handful of my favorite people? Hell, when was the last time I could listen to music and not be interrupted every hour by a text or a phone call? When was the last time I didn't have a trillion daily anxious thoughts about shit I shouldn't be worried about, and about shit I have absolutely zero control over?

When I finally realized what my therapist was getting at, my eyes welled up with tears. Truth is, I haven’t been able to relax or truly get away since even before covid began. In fact, I’ve been in a constant state of panic since I started Trikafta (I am so thankful for Trikafta, but it did make my anxiety much worse. Thankfully, there’s medication for that, and I'm gonna see if taking the morning dose (two orange pills) at night, and taking the night dose (one blue pill) in the morning will help diminish my anxiety). Covid, of course (along with my sudden, though temporary, move to Washington) made things even worse. Even the return to Colorado, and the fact that my mom had to sell the Gig Harbor house for financial reasons, have been incredibly stressful for me. 

Things only calmed down a bit over the summer, allowing depression to creep in as my anxiety drifted away. So, I decided to finally tackle college. I was ready, right? Taking one class (even a five credit Astronomy course) would be fine, right? Well… It’s been a mixed bag. 

While I’m pretty much halfway through the semester and am still holding a solid A, I am extremely exhausted. The material itself isn’t that bad. In fact, I’m finding that I’m much better at it than I thought I could ever be (especially since it is so physics-heavy). It’s the social side of college I’m struggling with, especially considering the fact that I was officially diagnosed with Autism (ASD) late last year. That ASD diagnosis, while incredibly helpful and enlightening in a lot of ways, also hit me like a goddamn anvil from left field, and I haven’t recovered from the shock. Hell, I haven’t even been able to recover from the shock of Trikafta. 

The ASD diagnosis explains why I am becoming increasingly exhausted lately. Five-and-a-half hours in the classroom plus two hours of driving to-and-from campus per week (30 minute drive to campus from my house) is absolutely destroying me, but most people don’t know it. I am just too damn good at masking my ASD symptoms for even my own mom to notice. 

Well… That is until I come home after a long day in class, and just crash. In fact, I’ve been crashing so hard that I have been sleeping through alarms, dogs barking, and even my mom raising her voice at me to get me to wake up (she's had to shake me awake lately). It’s actually a serious problem, and my grip on the class material is starting to slip. I’m not yet sure how to mitigate it. I’ve honestly been in denial about my ASD up until college began, and noticed just how draining it is for me to be in class with lots of other people I barely know. Now that I can’t ignore or deny the fact that I’m Autistic, I’m starting to really resent it. 

There are peers in my class who are doing more than just that one course. In fact, I seem to be the only student there who is a freshman and only taking the one class. Yet, I am struggling. Not really with the material in class. But, with social and personal obligations I’m faced with on a weekly basis. 

There must be a healthy balance; where I am able to meet my obligations without sacrificing my physical health. Even though this fatigue isn’t life-threatening (unless I fall asleep while driving), it is still miserable. There must be a solution to this growing problem.