I’m struggling more and more to do the things that I truly enjoy. My art supplies and projects have collected a layer of dust since college began. My adventures in the valley have been growing shorter and shorter, despite autumn being my favorite season. While I’m excited for my family members who hunt and fish, it stings whenever they send me pictures from their adventures. I'm becoming less and less able to focus or filter out the nonessential things in life, such as the sounds of my breathing or leaves blowing across the road in the wind. The more exhausted I get, the less able I am to recharge. It is a vicious cycle. 

I find myself eavesdropping on my peers often, learning about just how busy yet energetic they are. Aside from taking college full-time, many people somehow still have the time and energy to go to parties, play video games for hours and hours, go to work, participate in team sports, and so much more. Yet, here I am, barely hanging on to my one class and exhausted beyond words. Resenting my ASD (and Cystic Fibrosis) more and more. 

Why can’t I just be normal? Why am I so sensitive to everything around me, right down to the way my clothes feel on my body? Why do I still have to take a shitload of pills everyday, just so that my body doesn’t fail me as much? Why does it take so much out of me just to act “normal” around other “normal” people, lest I risk being bullied and outcasted? Why was I born this way, into a world like this? 

I hope that with the help of my therapist, and the numerous books she’s recommending to me so I can better understand myself, I will find a viable solution soon. Again, there must be a way for me to still go to college, maintain a healthy social life, exercise regularly, and find time for my hobbies, all without being this damn tired and overwhelmed all the time.