“You got this… You got this…” I mumbled to myself as I got in my Xterra, a "Clear Mind" Kombucha in hand. For a moment, I sat in my hot vehicle, giving myself some time to relax and stop shaking briefly before turning the keys and getting on my way. I’d given myself almost an hour to drive to campus and get to class, and I knew almost exactly where I was going. I was just nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I couldn’t stop shivering. 

It took almost every ounce of strength I had to stop shaking enough to get the Xterra started and moving. 

I drove through my neighborhood extra slowly, giving myself even more time to try to relax and wave at the neighbors (who knew I was going to college for the first time and were cheering me on as I passed by). But, I couldn’t. I was wild-eyed, shaking, and every part of me was screaming at me to turn around and hide under my bed covers. Yet, I pressed on, my heart beat rapidly increasing as I got closer and closer to my college campus. 

I couldn’t (and still quite can’t) believe I was actually doing it. Against all of the odds, I was going to college.

Well, I wasn’t just going to college. I was majoring in science and starting off strong with a five credit astronomy lab course. Holy shit! What on God’s green earth was I thinking!? Looking back to when I signed up for the course, I probably wasn’t. 

Not even an hour earlier, my dad had taken me out to an early lunch at Red Lobster. I was almost too nervous to eat, but ordered a quick, cheap meal of grilled fish anyway. My dad sat across from me, watching me twitch and shiver from anxiety when he remarked, “My God, kid. Just watching you makes me nervous! Chill the fuck out.”

“Well, I’m shittin’ bricks!” I fired back, smirking. 

“Why? You’re taking only one class at community college. It’s not like anyone’s gonna bite your head off when you get there, and as long as you are diligent- which you are- you will stay on top of things and do just fine. Trust me!” 

“How do you know that, dad?” I asked as I took a sip of my caffeinated soda (bad idea, by the way). 

“Cuz I went to college.” He laughed, “Half the time I was hungover, too. And I still got my degree with flying colors! Truth is, you’re more than prepared and ready for college. You’ve got the brains, the motivation, the street-smarts, the discipline. You're more than ready for college now, especially after the last year and a half. You’ll be just fine!"

"But-"

"Maya."

"But-"

"Maya! You. Will. Be. Just. Fine. Trust me. You are not an idiot. You are not nearly as bad at making friends and talking to people as you think. Your professor won't bite your head off. You will do great in college. Remember; C's get degrees, and nobody gives a shit about what you are doing at college. You are going to college for the same reason we go to the museum and read the plaques at the exhibits. It's for you and you alone. If you hate it, that's fine. Drop out. Find something else to do. You don't need college to succeed at a lot of things. But, I don't think you'll hate it and drop out. In fact, I bet you're gonna feel right at home in a few weeks. Just relax..."

My dad had a point, but I was still not convinced. Instead, my anxiety had a death-grip around me, convincing me that I was destined to fail, and everyone would pick up on my stupidity and insecurity and rip on me for that. Also, what the hell was I thinking going into Astronomy? I knew almost nothing about it, except for that it probably involved a lot of math and abstract thinking, with weekly existential crises of course. 

As far as I was aware, I wasn’t good at math or physics or coming up with hypotheses, or any of that smart people stuff. I was no Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking (quite the opposite, actually). Plus, it gave me anxiety to think about just how infinitesimally puny I was compared to the universe. And the knowledge that the universe is finite and is expanding into something at a faster and faster rate, just didn’t compute in my gnat-sized brain. 

Clearly, by majoring in science and taking a hefty Astronomy course, I was making a huge mistake. My dumbassery would show itself off like a peacock fanning his tail feathers. And, everyone would laugh at me till I dropped out, and my disappointed parents would disown me, and I would become homeless and die alone behind a dumpster, drenched in my own piss.