I caught my first bull snake when I was seven years old. I don't really know where I was or what I was doing, but the look of horror on my mom's face is branded into my mind. The snake wasn't aggressive. He was fat and sunning himself. I remember picking him up by the end of his tail with one hand, and with a finger from my other hand, I slowly moved up his back, careful to not rub his scales the wrong way. I found the base of his head, and then pinched his mouth shut. I couldn't hold him straight because he was so long. That's as far back as I remember, but my mom said I bragged about it, and then let him go in a field near the path. 

This is really what made my mom realize I was nothing like her, or really anyone else she knew. And to be honest, I haven't changed much since. Sure, I'm about thrice that size now, and am even braver today than I was before, but other than that, I haven't changed. I still wear the same jeans and T-shirts, boots and cap. I never wear makeup and only brush my long hair enough to keep the knots out. My mom never understood how I turned out this way, considering she's the girliest girl I've ever known. But in some ways, she's glad I'm like this. 

I participate in dangerous sports to keep myself alive and well. I ride dirtbikes, work with horses, and go out hunting whenever I can. I take good care of myself, and I don't accept anything from anyone blindly, whether that be a doctor prescribed medication, a handshake from a stranger, or an offer of friendship. My parents praise me for being so cautious, and more importantly, rejecting society's views and being myself. If anyone tries to mold me into something I'm not, or bully me into doing something, I just laugh and give them the finger. I know I don't seem like the kind of person to do that, but I do some impressive things when I feel threatened. 

Of course, this attitude and sense of who I am sets me apart from the world. It's not just my disease that points me out, although it has played a role, but just my personality and lifestyle in general. Most teens my age are following the crowd, and have no idea who they are or what they want to do. I think I know who I am, but I don't really know what I want to do after high school. All I know is that I don't want to be stuck in a 9-5 job that I hate. 

People think I have some serious issues to work out with myself, which is true. But they think I need to fit society's mold, which is not what I need to do. Instead, I've embraced my craziness, embraced the true country tomboy lifestyle, and now I am basically trying to see how many people I can offend by just being me. I put the "ass" in "class", and I'm proud of that! I'm also proud of my craziness. I mean, what would you think if you saw a teenage girl in cowboy boots, jeans, and a camo hoodie, with her camo cap pulled down to conceal her eyes, playing with an aggressive snake she found on some trail at a suburban park? No wonder people think I'm crazy!

Naturally, I've separated myself from the world. I don't care what people think of me, or what society thinks I should be. I think for myself, live for myself, and just focus on being myself. God made me this way for a reason. He doesn't make mistakes. When things get hard, I pray, I read the bible, and I force myself to understand that God doesn't make mistakes, and whatever I think is wrong with me isn't actually wrong. I'm just different, and being different is ok. 

I could very easily play the victim, but I don't. I don't want to do that to myself. I get that I was dealt a bad hand, in society's eyes anyway. But in my eyes, I was blessed with a curse. From a young age, I learned to live with that curse. While the bullying was harsh and life is still lonely, I've embraced that stuff. I get that I'm strange, but my strangeness makes me interesting, and it forces me to be real. I can't hide in or from the crowd. If my clothes don't point me out already, my cough, my voice, my face, my walk; basically everything about me picks me out. I can't hide, and running is for cowards, so I just hold my head up and get on with life the best way I know how. 

I don't cope with loneliness or depression in destructive ways. Sure, I may cry for a few days or sleep it off, but I never have and never will turn to drugs or alcohol. I already take too many pills to count, and I found the taste of alcohol way too strong when I took communion at an old Lutheran church in Riverdale, North Dakota. I didn't expect all the communion cups to be wine, but they were, and I spent a good hour eating spicy food in an attempt to get rid of the aftertaste. 

I don't have friends to sneak out with or do dumb things with. Even if I had friends like that, I doubt I'd take the offer. I don't spend an hour every morning trying to make myself pretty. I don't use anyone else's preferences to measure my value. My value is immeasurable, and if everyone understood that their value was immeasurable, then the world would be a much better place. Of course, people are prone to falling into social herd behaviors. So they do things that they wouldn't be doing if they didn't feel socially obligated to do it. Part of that social obligation seems to be picking on the people who don't feel socially obligated to do anything. That's why I've never made close friends with anyone, and why I keep my distance from people who feel socially obligated to do certain things. 

Society has treated me worse than crap over the years, so I don't feel like I owe anything to it. These days, people do treat me a lot better, but I think that's only because I've grown up, and have turned into something people don't want to disrespect. That, and I've strayed away from my peers, so my only friends are adults, and they're my parents' friends. Adults are definitely more mature than my peers, so it makes things easier for me. I still don't fit in, but at least I'm not bullied or disrespected by most of the adults like my peers have done to me. There's a few adults out there that have bullied me like my peers have, but they're in my past, and I'm healing the wounds they caused, slowly but surely. 

So, is it any wonder why I am the way that I am? I became this way because of the stuff I experienced. I've experienced more than most adults. And I've learned that while it certainly hurt and sucked to be put through all that, I came out of it, alive, well, and content. Sometimes, it's hard to keep going. Sometimes I want to give up, just pass my battle onto someone else. But I can't because I can't run away from my disease. I can't just give up or walk away from what I have. I have to face my issues everyday, with two choices. Get up and do something about it, or just die. Perhaps that choice alone puts so much pressure on me, that any pressure from the outside world feels like nothing. 

To survive, I just put my faith in God, get up everyday even when I really don't want to, and find the strength to take on everyday, one breath at a time. I'm alone in my battle against Cystic Fibrosis. I'm alone in society. I just have to keep praying, keep going, because the only other choice is to die, and I have a long life ahead of me. I can't just give up. I have to keep going. I've gotten this far, so I can keep going further. 

I'll keep wrangling snakes, riding dirtbikes, going hunting, and more. I don't care what the world thinks about me. My need to survive well surpasses any possible desire to fit in, if that desire really exists at all. Since my body works differently, I have to live differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. I keep going, because there is no other way. I've embraced my lifestyle, because it is who I am.