Trust is something I talk about often but don't really understand. I've got too many knives in my back to count. So far, almost everyone I've called a friend has put a knife in my back, and those who didn't either moved away from me, or I moved away from them. Many of those I've met who I never really called a friend turned into bullies, thus turning my "friends" into bullies as well.

And since my parents divorced when I was a toddler, I've been introduced to a few unfortunate partners. One of them turned into my stepmom, who I haven't really seen in a few years because she always went out of her way to make me feel worthless and upset. Luckily, I saw through her lies, and so has everyone else except for my dad. So, Dad and I made a compromise. I left the house so I didn't have to see my stepmom anymore, and I've managed to keep a good relationship with Dad by hanging out with him on some weekends. 

I'm glad that despite all the stuff I've been put through, I haven't turned bitter and angry about it. I could've very easily and justifiably turned mean, but I haven't and I never want to. I know there's good people out there, and I've met them, so that keeps me hopeful. And, as time goes on, with therapy and hobbies, I'm healing. I've managed to forgive and forget the names of most of my worst bullies, and I hope I one day forget their faces too. 

Since I left my dad's house, I haven't really tried repairing my "relationship" with my stepmom, if I ever really had one in the first place. I tried making friends with her, but it never worked out. She didn't like that I didn't act like other girls, and she really didn't like my mom who I reminded her of. She always had something mean or snarky to say, which got to me when I was little, but I grew used to it pretty quickly. When I was older, she resorted to threats and telling lies about my family, and for some reason, that really got to me. Of course, she never said these things around my dad. She always did it when I was alone. But, she was the same way towards my mom and a few other people, so I know I'm not crazy or exaggerating. She tried to manipulate me, and failed miserably.  

When I left the house, I left scared of my stepmom. She tried interfering with my school and therapy, but when that didn't work, she just pretended I never existed at all. I saw her for my grandpa's funeral in Minnesota. She had her son around, who is my age, and was a danger to me when I was little. Her son has some mental issues I don't really know about, which is why my mom took my stepmom to court to protect me from my stepbrother. He's been on medication for a very long time, and I was also scared of him until I met him again after 11 years apart. My stepmom seemed shocked by how tall I've grown, and she completely avoided even looking at me the whole trip. She used to tower over me, but now I stand over her. Her son was so strung out on whatever pills he's on, that he was just a shell of a person. He showed no emotion at all. He just played games on his phone and seemed completely oblivious to the world around him. 

My mom had very good reasons to protect me from my stepbrother, and is why she won the court case in the first place. My stepmom was obviously and understandably resentful, but since she was unable to lash out at my mom, instead she chose me. Whenever I tried to create a little trust between us, my stepmom would break it in some way or another, and knowingly did it. I guess this was her way of "getting back", although it never really won her anything, nor did it do me any good. It just taught me to hold back my trust of those closest to me, because at one point, in my mind, everyone around me was gonna make me trust them just enough, just so I'd feel pain when they broke that. That's probably why I became a lot more withdrawn and didn't make any close friends. 

For the record, I have no hard feelings or fear remaining towards my stepmom or her son. I feel bad for them, but there's nothing I can really do to repair the damage that I never dealt in the first place. The best thing to do is accept an apology that was never said, and forgive the damage that was done and move on. That is what I did anyway, and it's lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. (Come to think of it, my story with my stepmom is kinda like Benjamin Franklin's story of the lion and the dog. Only, I'll never seek revenge. When I actually get around to publishing a memoir, I don't want to put my stepmom in it, and I don't think she wants to be in it either.)

I've been doing similar things for my school bullies. I think about everything they did, forgive them for each event I remember, and attempt to forget who they are. It has worked for many of them. Sometimes it's harder to forgive and forget some bullies than it is others, but I keep telling myself that a lot of kids are stupid and cruel in middle and high school. When they grow up, most of them will look back on those days with sorrow and guilt, so I'd rather let them be bitter over themselves, than for me be bitter towards someone I'll probably never see or recognize again. But still, I know I'll probably never forget some of their faces, and some of their names will be somewhere in my mind for the rest of my life. I know they're a big reason why I became even more withdrawn, and a huge reason why school became such a dreaded place to be, right behind the hospital.