Of course, with my case of CF, it comes with loneliness. Even when I'm surrounded by friends and family, I still feel lonely sometimes. It creeps up on me when I'm least expecting, just to remind me that there's almost no one else like me, and almost no one understands certain things that I do. Not many people think about death more than once a day, or have any miracle stories, let alone enough to fill an entire book series, especially as a teenager. Not many people really get why I don't like showing off my scars. My mom thinks it's the coolest thing ever and I ought to be proud, but I don't want strangers to ask me about the heart surgery I had when I was three days old. It just further points me out, and I don't like that. Loneliness loves to tease me about not being a normal teen girl, but I've learned a few ways to taunt it back.
I've decided that normal is boring. I'd rather be a redneck outlaw like I basically am, than participate in whatever dumb trends most teen girls are into. I've been picked on for my jeans, T shirts, and lack of makeup and a boyfriend, but I really couldn't care less. At least I'm interesting, and I know how to have fun outside of wild parties with illegal activities. Unfortunately, not many of my peers got to really know me, since they were too busy judging me on my appearance, or the fact I take pills and can eat everything I want without gaining weight. But, at the same time, were they really good people to befriend if appearance and pills were the first things they cared about? Probably not.
Truth is, CF probably helped me dodge a lot of bullets I don't even realize I've dodged. My parents have both told me horror stories about their rebellious teenage years, and both have emphasized on how glad they are I'm not rebellious like they were. I don't follow trends or give into peer pressure. I don't even give into pressure my doctors have put on me to go on certain medications that would've done more damage than good. In many ways, that's good, but it's also really good at picking me out and bringing in loneliness.
(rough transition, kinda) I try to surround myself with people who understand me in some ways, and share my love for hunting and motocross, but that doesn't help when I log into social media, search for fellow CFers, and see people my age who have literally months to live. I can't get their faces out of my mind. Those who aren't dying are crazy CFers who are awesome, but I don't share their obsession with bodybuilding. I'm definitely into staying fit and healthy, but I'm in no hurry to gain an eight pack. Plus, I find it kinda hard to see myself in dudes who are thrice my size and call themselves superhero names (such as "Thor" who lives in Australia), and live off of beef and avocados (such as another bodybuilder guy who lives in SoCal).
