Almost three months after taking my first dose of Trikafta, I was in Elizabeth, Colorado hanging out with my stepdad, Clarke, and little half brother, Jack, when the first two cases of covid-19 were confirmed in the state. At the time, the weight of the issue hadn’t hit me. I didn’t know the government would soon declare it a pandemic and lock everything down. I didn’t know thousands of Americans would die, and millions more would get infected. I didn’t know the economy would tank, and millions of Americans would be jobless. At the time, a shortage of toilet paper seemed like a much bigger issue than covid, and I was still planning on spending my summer attending an in-person college class, working more in the real estate office, and traveling the country.
That first weekend sticks out in my mind, not just because of covid, but because it was the first weekend I felt genuine joy after months of being lost in a fog of crippling depression and anxiety.
While everyone was in panic-mode thanks to the first two cases of covid in the state, I was racing down country dirt roads on the great plains with the windows rolled down, listening to the radio playing music loudly from my phone, and a shit-eating grin stretched across my face. I felt too restless and adventurous to stay on the mini ranch and play video games with the boys. I just needed to get out, and have some time to reflect as I explored God’s country alone, finally reveling in my second chance at living.
Trikafta truly was my second chance. It reversed years of damage doctors once thought was permanent. It made me healthier than I have ever been before. It defied nearly everything I thought I knew about CF. I thought CF couldn’t be reversed. I thought my physical health would progressively worsen as I aged. I thought nothing would get better. I thought a cure was a far-fetched idea. I thought I’d be dead by the time I turned forty years old. But, Trikafta disproved all of that. Words will never be able to describe how liberating Trikafta was!
Sure, Trikafta isn’t a cure. I still have treatments to do and pills to take to mitigate my condition. I still have some CF symptoms from time to time. I still have some health issues that need to be taken care of. But, Trikafta greatly improved my quality of life, and made me realize that an actual cure may not actually be that far-fetched. Maybe God wasn’t as far from me as I thought, either.
I drove almost two hours east from Clarke’s before I hit the brakes and flipped a u-ie in the middle of a deserted stretch of gravel road. I knew where I was, but at the same time, I had absolutely no idea where I was. I’d been keeping track of every turn I made so I could retrace my path back to the mini ranch. But, at the same time, I hadn’t been keeping track of my mileage, or where I was driving. There were no signs telling me which towns were nearby, because I was on random dirt roads almost nobody drove on. I saw more tractors, ATV's, horses, and dirtbikes than cars on the county roads I drove that evening. But, I wasn't concerned. I wasn't lost. I wasn't low on gas. And, for the most part, I still had cell service. So, while I was alone and in uncharted territory, I also wasn't alone or in uncharted territory.
I was so far east that I could no longer see the mountains. All that was around me was an endless sea of golden prairie peppered with yucca plants and sagebrush, and a wide open sky above painted all the colors of the evening. Every now and then, I caught glimpses of pronghorn and mule deer milling about on the plains in the corner of my eye. I drove over cattle-guards into pastures populated with cattle that chewed their cud while they watched me drive by. I drove by a horse ranch where I could see a couple of paints trotting along the fence in my peripheral vision. I even drove through a creek somewhere when the county road dipped into an ancient riverbed shaded by cottonwoods.
The world seemed to change during my drive back to the mini ranch. The colors seemed brighter and more vibrant than before. I could smell the dust my tires kicked up through my open windows, mixed in with the scent of prairie grass and livestock yards. My music, the wind rushing past my Xterra, and even the noise of my breathing all sounded louder than I remembered them. My mind was reeling with thoughts, and I could feel creative juices flowing through my head again. I felt so alive and well. It was simply amazing.
At some point during my journey back to Clarke’s, still happy as ever, I suddenly felt a completely new and different emotion, or perhaps a cluster of emotions I’d never felt together before. I was overflowing with joy, to the point I just had to laugh, and I felt so loved and at peace too. For the first time in God-knows-how-long, I felt like I could breathe and relax. I also felt like someone I knew, trusted, and loved was in the seat next to me. I knew I was alone, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t glance over my shoulder a few times to make sure I was alone. Perhaps, for the first time in my life that I could remember, I was sensing the presence of Christ Himself.
I’d only read about that in memoirs, and heard about it from pastors in church and a few of my deeply Christian family members. But, I’d never felt the presence of God before, as far as I knew, until that evening I was alone in my Xterra in the middle of absolutely nowhere, racing the clock back to Clarke’s before my dinner got cold. I’m not yet sure how to describe just how utterly peaceful, loved, and joyful I felt at that moment. It just consumed me.
Of course, almost as soon as I sensed the presence of God, a cheerful bluegrass version of Amazing Grace began to play on the radio, which basically confirmed that I was, in fact, in the deeply loving presence of God. It really gave the famous line, “I once was lost, but now I’m found” a whole new meaning for me. Spiritually, I'd been lost all my life. My childhood faith eventually morphed into atheism. It took me years to truly find my faith in God again, to the point I felt like I could trust Him even if the world was crumbling all around me. Who knew I'd finally find myself in the presence of the Lord at the beginning of a pandemic, after suffering from indescribable hardships all my young life? Who knew my bitter resentment towards God could be instantly revoked in just a few hours by God's infinite love and understanding?
Well, I guess God knew it. He's probably the only One who was certain I'd reconcile with Him. Everyone else close to me was concerned I had turned my back on God forever. They knew I had very valid reasons to. After all, I'd been through some shit no one, especially a little girl, should never have to go through, and I came out of my childhood bitter, depressed, and full of pent-up rage. Not only was it miraculous that Trikafta came out when it did. It was miraculous I even reconsidered my bitter atheism at all, let alone go sprinting back into the wide open arms of the Lord, finally craving a relationship with Him, and fully trusting Him with the lives of everyone, including my own.
