Since tenth grade, over the course of several years, my relationship with God has healed. It continues to strengthen with each passing day. I can't really explain how or why that happened. There's no simple answer as to why my mind changed about God after all the Hell I've endured. There's no real "aha!" moment I can point to, either. Over the course of those several years, for whatever reason, I just came stumbling back to God. 

But, when it comes to other people, especially churches and pastors, I remain incredibly skittish and defensive around them. I get that nobody is perfect. Nobody can perfectly emulate the perfect patience and love of God. But, it's pretty damn easy to tell who is genuinely trying to be the best people they can be, out of those who are, at best, half-assing their way through life. Or, worse, those who are genuinely wolves in sheep's clothing.

The wolves in sheep's clothing scare me more than anyone else, and those fuckers seem to be everywhere.

Still, I keep hoping and praying for the courage to test various churches around town, as I still long for greater fellowship with other Christians. While I have friends who seem to share my same faith, I still would like to find a place to worship and bicker over Scripture with others on Sunday mornings. And, there are a couple places nearby that, based on their websites, a couple of sermons I've watched online, and are recommended by people I trust, seem to be safe places to start. 

But, again, I've genuinely been traumatized by most of the churches my Christian family members have dragged me to (kicking and screaming, of course). That, and I am very much disturbed by the behaviors so many people, even in my city, exhibit in the name of Christ. If the Satanic Temple can love and serve the community better than most churches I've attended, then there is something seriously, seriously, seriously wrong with those churches and the people who run them. And, it's so hard to start going to church again after all of the shit I've laid out in this piece. 

As badly as I wish to find a community of fellow Christians who will love and accept me as I come. Questions, doubts, flaws, fears, and camo hoodies included.