Note: I've been wanting to write about my health for quite some time now, but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate with me, so I feel that my writing's choppier than usual. Harry Potter melted my neurons...

My second semester of college ends in T-minus three weeks, or five more in-person classes, or three more in-person days. I must say, I felt (and feel) much better this semester than I did last semester. I will, once again, pass my classes with high grades, and I haven’t struggled to keep up with either class. At least, until I finally began to sputter out sometime last week. But, I’ve done my calculations. Even if I did absolutely nothing for class between now and three weeks from now, I’ll pass with a high B, if not still A’s. 

Overall, I’m feeling pretty damn good about this semester. I am also champing at the bit for summer. I am so damn ready to take some time off school and get out of my neighborhood more. I'm excited for the trips I've got planned, to see friends and family I don't typically get to see, and to hang out in places I don't usually get to hang out at. And, I'm looking forward to just relaxing at home: staycationing almost without any obligations. 

However, my summer won’t be all unicorns and butterflies. My body seems to need a few repairs this summer. Aside from getting new glasses, I need to figure out why my body fat and vitamin E levels are so low, and fix it. Well… I actually already know why I’m 140 pounds of pure muscle with very low vitamin E levels. I don’t like to eat high-fat foods of any kind. Frankly, I’m repulsed by almost all high-fat foods. 

On one hand, it’s great I can now avoid all fatty meals and still retain an impressive body weight and overall good health. If I wasn’t on Trikafta, I would’ve been hospitalized for malnourishment months ago. But, now I can live pretty healthily on a nearly-zero fat diet. Well, at least, I thought so. 

Turns out, fat does play a major role in one’s overall health. Without it, our bodies struggle to digest fat-soluble vitamins, most notably vitamin E. Our bodies also get more tired, and go into a state of semi-starvation when there’s not enough fat. Also, little-to-no fat can cause and exacerbate heart issues, which might explain why I’ve been getting more light-headed than usual. Clearly, 10 grams of morning fat with Trikafta just ain’t cutting it. 

Since discovering my low vitamin E levels a few months ago using a routine (though very comprehensive) blood test, I’ve been working really hard to reintroduce a substantial amount of fat into my diet. However, I can’t say it’s going all that smoothly, which has both frustrated and scared me. 

Even with Trikafta and my Creon (AKA my enzymes), my body continues to violently reject high-fat, high-calorie meals. The indigestion I experience now isn’t as bad as it was pre-Trikafta, but it’s still very uncomfortable, disruptive, and embarrassing. 

A few weeks ago, I decided it would be a good idea to get a burrito from Chipotle for lunch between Tuesday’s classes instead of my usual grocery store sushi. I made sure to add extra steak, sour cream, cheese, and hot sauce to my burrito so I could get maximum calories out of it. It was delicious, and all was well for the next hour-and-a-half or so. But, in the middle of class, I felt what I can only describe as a jolt in my gut; like my body was grinding gears. Immediately, I knew my dignity was in serious jeopardy. 

Without hesitation, I packed up my stuff and rushed out the door, telling my professor I just had a doctor’s appointment I’d forgotten about and was late for. I’m not sure he believed me. 

I didn’t want to undergo a gastric exorcism in any of the restrooms on campus, so I prayed to God I could make the fifteen minute drive home without shitting myself. Thankfully, my body wasn’t about to let me destroy the interior of my Xterra forever, but every bump and pothole in the road shot intense stabbing pains all up and down my spine and to the tips of my fingers. It was very cold outside and I kept the windows rolled down to stave off some of the nausea, but I was still very hot and soaked in sweat. On top of all that, I seemed to hit every single red light possible, and traffic was unusually busy. If there is a Hell, I was in the ninth circle of it for that whole drive. 

When I got home, I didn’t even bother to roll the windows up or fix my horrible parking job. I simply hauled ass to my garage door, tapped in the code, and slipped in under the door as it opened. Normally, the door from the garage to the house is unlocked, and opens directly adjacent to my bathroom, but not that day. So, I sprinted out of the garage and up to my front door, punched in the code, and thank God the door finally opened for me. 

For the next hour I was stuck on the porcelain throne in a fetal position. I was in immense pain at first, but the pain gradually subsided as time wore on and my bowels were successfully evacuated. Still, the whole experience was quite humiliating, and brought back some very uncomfortable memories from my pre-Trikafta past. 

This wasn't just a rare incident, unfortunately. I've been on Trikafta for two years, which has undoubtedly helped to clear out and maybe even heal parts of my pancreas. But, Trikafta ain't a cure, and my pancreas can never be fully healed, which is why I've stuck to such a low fat diet while on Trikafta. But, now I'm suffering the consequences, not just from low Vitamin E levels, but from forcing a lot more fatty meals down my throat. My digestive system hasn't been very happy with me.  

Thankfully, I’ve never shit my pants in public, pre-Trikafta or post-Trikafta, but my body has definitely betrayed me in other ways that, to me, were just as embarrassing and soul-crushing. I’ve always wanted to distance myself from my health problems because of how socially ostracising they are, and pretend that they simply didn’t exist. I’ve never wanted to identify myself with any of my conditions. I never asked or chose to be born a genetic fuck-up. I just was, and I’ve been dealing with it ever since. 

Still, I like to pretend that I’m “normal”, even though I’m not. I am closer to being “normal” than I’ve ever been in my life, but things like the Chipotle episode and the blood tests remind me that I’m still stuck with Cystic Fibrosis.