“Take care not to practice your righteousness in the sight of people, to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.

So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, so that they will be praised by people. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your charitable giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

And when you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they will be seen by people. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But as for you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door, and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

And when you are praying, do not use thoughtless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

~ Matthew 6: 1-8

 

“Do not judge, so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye! Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or what person is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? So if you, despite being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. 

Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is narrow and the way is constricted that leads to life, and there are few who find it. 

Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits.

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; leave Me, you who practice lawlessness.”

~ Matthew 7: 1-23. 

The other day, one of my favorite Youtube channels, called Channel 5, posted another video wherein the host, Andrew Callaghan, interviewed various people attending (and protesting) a Satanic Temple gathering. The Satanic Temple (which is an atheistic "religion" of sorts that does a lot for charity and preserving our rights and liberties) was participating in its first major gathering since the Covid pandemic began, with its main focus set on the current issue of Roe Vs Wade. The Satanic Temple has been working tirelessly to ensure that women have access to healthcare, including contraception and, if necessary, abortion. 

For years, they’ve done their best to preserve the Separation of Church and State, by doing what Evangelical Christians in politics have been doing: showing off their religion (or, in the Satanic Temple's case, their satanic aesthetic). If people have the right to erect crosses and engrave bible passages in front of public buildings, then people have the right to unveil a statue of Baphomet in front of the Arkansas State Capitol. Needless to say, the Satanic Temple is certainly an interesting rabbit hole to fall down into. 

On the other side of the issue, Channel 5 interviewed a number of Christian protestors at the Satanic gathering as well. Long story short, I was honestly disturbed by how those people acted, and what they preached. I found myself siding with members of the Satanic Temple more and more. In fact, since watching that video, and doing some research on the Satanic Temple (among other churches and organizations), I may become a member of the Satanic Temple, as a genuine show of support for their cause. 

Don’t tell my grandparents I said that. 

For the record, the Satanic Temple doesn't actually practice Satanism. The Church of Satan is a true Satanic church. But they don't like the Satanic Temple for a number of reasons, including the Church of Satan's belief that the Satanic Temple has bastardized and mocked their beliefs. Why? Because, to be fair, the Satanic Temple is largely satire. They're basically a bunch of gothic atheists who spend their time and money standing up to conservative politics, advocating for religious freedom and body autonomy, and running a number of charities that help people in need. Of course, the Satanic Temple also hosts a number of gatherings every year, which always attract a lot of Christian protestors. 

In Channel 5's video, the way the protesting Christians acted towards and responded to the genuine concerns and pains members of the Satanic Temple had, frankly nauseated me. For instance, a woman (about my age) in a black dress, black makeup, and a spiked collar around her neck, proudly and fearlessly spoke to the camera about how she was abused by her family and members of her church. The church tried to cover things up, and went as far as to tell her that she was at fault, and the men who were abusing her just couldn’t control themselves because... well... that’s just how men are, apparently. But, when she discovered and reached out to the Satanic Temple, they swooped in to help her right away. They not only helped her in court, they got her and her mother a brand new apartment, a career, a new family within the Satanic Temple, and so much more. 

What did her church do? Nothing, except attempt to protect the abusers from prosecution, and blame her for their actions. 

And, what was a nearby so-called Christian’s response to her harrowing life story? “Well, in the Old Testament, it does say women are property, and kids become adults when puberty hits…”

Yeah. That might be one of the most despicable things I have ever fucking heard.

Had I been at that gathering and heard that “Christian” say that to a victim of every type of abuse under the sun, he would’ve left in an ambulance, and I would’ve been very proud of my assault charges. Before anyone calls me a hypocrite, didn’t Jesus flip tables and whack people with a horsetail whip when he saw them defiling a place of worship with their greed? Didn’t Jesus also say people who hurt the innocent ought to have a millstone tied to their neck and be thrown into the sea? Didn’t Jesus call the Pharisees “sons of serpents”, which is the equivalent of saying, “sons of bitches” in today’s language?

Just sayin’...

I won’t spoil the rest of the video (y’all should go and watch it for yourselves), but it certainly left me feeling like absolute shit. Though, I was also very curious. The Satanic Temple has a website, so I decided to check it out and read through it. After spending a half hour or so digging around the website, I suddenly had an epiphany:

“These people are more Christ-like than most of the Christians I’ve run into!”

You read that right. The Satanic Temple cares more about loving, serving, and caring for others than so many Christians I’ve met, and so many churches I’ve attended. That realization has been gnawing at me ever since, especially because my experiences in life have, for the most part, supported that realization. 

Of course, not every church and Christian is so Pharisee-like. I know a lot of Christians (and non-Christians) who genuinely love our Creator and other people, and who genuinely do their best to show their love and service each day. I know a lot of people who, despite their imperfections and missteps, are always striving to be better for no other reason than to be... well... better, which in turn pleases the Lord. I know a lot of people who are deeply loving, humble, and faithful, doing everything they can to make the world a better place. 

Yet, so many people are so wrapped up in legalism and an unhealthy obsession with "us-vs-them", that they fail to see their own sins and the damage they're doing to others (and subsequently to God). So many people are wolves in sheep’s clothing. So many people are obnoxiously Christian on the surface, but are full of hatred, disdain, and downright evil in their hearts. So many people are, for lack of a better term, anti-Christs in a way: people who claim to be Christian, but absolutely annihilate all that it really means to be a Christian which are: Love your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, and pray for your enemies. 

Such hateful Christians do good things not out of genuine love, but to bring attention to themselves and whatever church they attend, and/or political party they adhere to. They seek to punish and oppress anyone who doesn’t share their faith and/or politics and opinions, and go out of their way to find and attack those they think deserve it. They're champing at the bit and endorsing policies they believe will make rapture happen faster (never-mind the fact that the rapture won’t happen like so many Christians think it will, because Revelations’ about how the ancient Romans were persecuting Christians, not about future events). They've taken the idea of looking forward to the afterlife to the extreme, and pretty much don't give a rat's ass about anything going on in this life, so long as they're in some sort of power so they can help speed up the rapture. 

So many Christians (particularly here in the States) have a massive persecution fetish too, and view every minor inconvenience as an attack on their faith. Yet, those same people tend to believe that God punishes humans with everything from minor bumps in the road, to health issues, to tragedies. The more a person or country is punished, the less faithful they are. I recognize that those are two very contradictory ideas, but to the Christians I’m talking about, it somehow makes sense. Even though it doesn’t. But, I’ll move on before I confuse anyone too much. 

Again, some may call me hypocritical for saying these things about some Christians. But, again, did Jesus not warn us to watch out for wolves in sheep’s clothing, and call them out when we see them? Did Jesus not ask us to voice our concerns about churches and Christians we feel have gone astray? Did Jesus not warn us about people who are “surface Christians”, who use God as a means to an end, who use their faith as a weapon of power, rather than a vehicle of love and service? Did Jesus not call the Pharisees “sons of bitches”, among many other demeaning and judgmental things?  

Was Jesus not clear when He pointed out that trees who produce bad fruit will one day be cut down? Something, something, "Sooner or later God'll cut you down. Sooner or later He'll cut you down..."

A day or two after I began to explore this rather disturbing (and extremely large and complicated) issue, I was driving to a trailhead in the valley on a breezy, cloudy Sunday when Johnny Paycheck’s song, The Outlaw’s Prayer, began to play through my radio. Honestly, I’d forgotten that song existed, let alone was in my playlist, until I recognized the piano tune the song started off with. So, I sat back and listened to Paycheck’s story: one that I, in a lot of ways, relate to on a deep level. 

I haven't set foot in a church building in years, and after months of prayer and consideration, I still don't feel ready to attend one yet. One reason (out of many), is because I'm usually out-and-about on Sunday mornings, and often get caught up in the After-Church-Lunch-Brunch-Crowd.

To put it as lightly and politely as I can, I am certainly not all that impressed by that crowd. In my experience, the After-Church crew are the most entitled and aggressive people in the restaurant. They're dressed in their Sunday best, but treat their servers like slaves and let their kids run rampant and screech at the top of their lungs. It's gotten to the point that my dad and I really try our best not to eat out between 10 AM and noon in most places. If I'm out on my own, I'll just go to the grocery store and grab a quick lunch to enjoy in the serenity of my Xterra or on a picnic table in Ken Caryl Valley. 

Y'know, away from the not-so-Christ-like crowds that infest every brunch-serving restaurant in town.

But, that's just a surface level issue. However, the After-Church people definitely signify a much larger, and much deeper issue. Or, rather, a massive cluster of issues.  

Christianity has been bastardized from its origins numerous times throughout history. One of the quests I've been on has been getting as close as I (an American living in the 21st century) can get to the Original Christianity. The Christianity Christ represents (hence the name, Christ-ianity). But, just a few hundred years or so after Christ's crucifixion, the Roman Empire decided to essentially use Christianity (among some other faiths) as a tool of power and persecution. Since then, numerous empires, tribes, expeditions, and political groups have used bastardized versions of the Christian faith to persecute, oppress, conquer, murder, and straight-up commit genocide. 

In modern times, I certainly see how Christianity continues to be used as a tool to oppress and persecute others, rather than be used as a vehicle of service and unconditional love, as Christians are called to do.

To this day in our nation's safest suburbs, LGBTQ+ kids and young adults continue to be thrown out of their conservative Christian parents' homes after coming out to them. To this day, a huge chunk of conservative Christians are fervently against teaching evolution and comprehensive sexual education in public schools. To this day, millions of people flock to see creationist "scientists" at Church symposiums, where they're fed lies and mischaracterizations of modern science by people with PhDs. To this day, millions of Christians don't give two shits about wearing masks and getting vaccinated to avoid spreading illness, yet are willing to criminalize abortion and miscarriages in many red states. To this day, so many Christians are against "welfare" and free basic healthcare for the needy and poor, because they view such people as being lazy, and want to keep as much of their wealth to themselves. 

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. 

With all that said, I still believe in loving one's enemies. I will still go out to eat with family and friends I may adamantly disagree with, and enjoy their company. I will still hold the door open for anyone and everyone, regardless of what they think and believe. I still hold to the motto, "Kill 'em with kindness", even when someone is unjustly attacking me. And, of course, I will always end each day quietly praying for those who spend their lives persecuting others and bastardizing the faith I've grown to profess. 

Still, like Johnny Paycheck says in his song, I'm certainly far from perfect. Like every human, I'm flawed as all hell. I miss the mark regularly. I give into my fears often, and don't always try my best or get along with others. I do have a pretty nasty road-rage habit that, while it's limited to me cussing under my breath, may grow into a much larger issue down the line if I don't nip it in the bud. I still often hate myself, and am my biggest bully and most cynical critic when I know I shouldn't be so mean to myself, which is why I am in therapy and surround myself with people who want the best for me. 

But, I'd still rather not be associated with the After-Church crowd. And, if I don't want to be associated with people who write, "Jesus is all you need" on the tip checks rather than actually give servers the tips they rely on, then why would I want to attend a church with them?

Even if the After-Church crowd didn't discourage me from attending church already, I have a shitload of deconstruction and re-construction to do, faith-wise (and a lot of healing and improving to do on a personal level). Although I still consider myself a Christian, my faith looks very different from the faiths of the Christians who have known me my entire life. I love my Christian grandparents dearly, but I really do my best to avoid the topics of faith and politics with them, because we just don't see eye-to-eye on almost anything. When the topics of faith and politics do come up, I stay relatively silent and just listen. I don't have the energy or will to argue over politics or faith with my grandparents, or anyone for that matter. Especially since, frankly, I don't really know what I believe, religiously or otherwise. 

All that I know is that I believe in Christ, and I accept that there's gotta be some sort of "higher power" that exists outside of our finite little universe. I have experienced Christ (or this Higher Power) on a personal level many times, whether through medical miracles or profound interactions with strangers and wildlife. But, beyond that, I don't really know anything. My list of questions for and about God, if printed on a receipt, could probably stretch from my house to the moon. No amount of books, blogs, Youtube videos, podcasts, conversations, sermons, so on, will be able to answer all (or any) of my questions for and/or about God. 

But, guess what? The more I pray and ponder over this stuff, the more I realize that it's not a bad thing to have so many questions and concerns. It's perfectly okay and normal to have questions and doubts about anything and everything. It's normal and healthy to explore those questions and doubts. It's okay and normal to admit when you don't know something, instead of stutter for an answer that, more likely than not, is wrong.

I've probably been searching for answers and clarifications regarding my faith for close to a decade at this point, almost entirely on my own. And, while the journey's been difficult and hasn't given me many definitive answers, it has been extremely rewarding and soul-strengthening. 

Sadly, the majority of Christians I've grown up around have done the exact opposite as I have, mainly out of fear of tearing down their faith and becoming an agnostic (or worse, an atheist). Why is this? Well, my two theories are: people are deathly afraid of death (pun absolutely intended), and people are terrified of Hell. 

In the minds of so many of the Christians I grew up around, becoming an atheist not only makes life fundamentally meaningless, because the atheist worldview doesn't believe in an afterlife. But, if you die an atheist (or anything else besides an Evangelical Christian who is on fucking fire for the Lord) and end up being wrong about religion, into the eternal Lake of Fire you go! No ifs, ands, or buts.

These fears are what largely drive so many modern Christians these days. Faith based on fear ain't faith at all. It's just fear. If I was as afraid of God as so many Christians are, I wouldn't be fearless of death. I wouldn't feel comforted whenever I open my Bible, or read my scholarly books, or go out in nature to talk to deer and stuff Lilacs up my nose. I wouldn't rely on prayer to soothe my soul when things get rough. I wouldn't thank and praise God in prayer for the good things in life either, if He was as cruel and merciless as so many Fire-and-Brimstone preachers describe Him. In fact, if God truly was like the God such pastors paint Him as, I would rather burn in Hell for eternity than be with Him. 

Thankfully, the God that Scripture truly describes is nothing like that. He's the literal embodiment of perfect love, justice, and mercy, and wishes to have a personal relationship with everyone who has, does, and will exist. As CS Lewis famously said, the gates of Hell are locked from the inside. God doesn't send people to Hell. People send themselves there if they don't want to be in God's presence. And, let's just say I don't think people who persecute and discriminate against everyone who isn't just like them, will be able to withstand the overwhelming, infinite, reckless love of God.

 Unfortunately, another problem I see among many Christians and churches, is that they don't actually read their damn Bibles! And, taking individual out-of-context passages from Scripture does not constitute as "reading your damn Bible!" Just like, me skimming a book I hate for a college project, probably won't get me good grades. To get a good grade in college, I must read the entire book chronologically, from start-to-finish, rarely (if ever) skipping a page or a passage. Same goes for Scripture. To get a good understanding of the Christian faith, one must read Scripture chronologically, from start-to-finish, rarely (if ever) skipping a page or a passage. 

Yet, most of the churches I've been to have unfortunately done exactly that. I've honestly yet to attend a church service wherein an entire chapter (or two) of Scripture is read in its entirety. The most I've ever seen have been maybe five or six passages, though normally I only ever really see one or two passages. Now, some may argue this is due to the fact that church sermons last only about forty-five minutes on average, but forty-five minutes is more than long enough to read an entire chapter of Scripture and talk about it. If my hour-and-fifteen minute long college class can cover 1/3rd of an entire book with plenty of time left to do other things, then a pastor can read an entire chapter of Scripture and talk about it in forty-five minutes with time to spare. 

So, why do I think so many places do this? Well, there are many reasons, but the one I'm aiming at is many churches' desire to twist Scripture to fit their chosen narrative, rather than let Scripture lay out the narrative itself. Of course, this is extremely dangerous in so many ways. 

The "us-vs-them" mentality doesn't just pit so many churches against non-Christians. They pit churches against each other, turning their congregations hostile towards one another. It's a really ugly problem, and it's something that makes me feel even less motivated to go to church anytime soon. Especially because I was (and still very much am) that kid who always asked questions that got me in trouble at Sunday school (and my private Christian school). 

Truth is, a church that can't handle the tough questions I love to ask and explore, is a church not built on a foundation of faith. It's a church built on a foundation of fear. Fear of death. Fear of Hell. Fear of God (the bad kind of fear). Fear of opening up their minds to new ideas and new beliefs, in the face of new information and evidence. And, that fear leads to hostility. Hostility leads to hate: the exact opposite of all that Christ represents.

A church that fails to read Scripture in its entirety, as well as in its context (to the best of our western, 21st century ability), is failing at being a Christian church. And, that freaks me the fuck out. I am well aware of the parts of Scripture that essentially say, "If you believe in Christ, then you're a Christian...", and I wholeheartedly agree with that.

But, I also think that a church that never reads their damn bible isn't a church worth going to. It's a church prone to turning hostile towards other churches and faiths, becoming hostile and hateful toward anything and anyone that might even slightly challenge their view on Scripture. Including the Sunday school kids who ask the most obvious (and, for many churches, the most dangerous) questions, such as, "Why is there a talking snake in Genesis? Snakes can't talk!"

Again, such hostility goes against pretty much everything God stands for. If people actually read their damn bibles, they would know that. 

For the record, I don't believe every pastor and church that fails to read their damn bibles are actively and purposefully twisting Scripture to fit their narrative. Some people and churches just aren't well-educated when it comes to Scripture. They don't know how to actually read and interpret Scripture, and many people (largely because of fear) refuse to dive down those rabbit holes. 

I can't say I am all that angry at people who, due to fear and lack of education, refuse to explore their doubts and honest questions. Some people simply aren't ready to do that, and that's okay. Everyone's walk with God is (and should be) different. Because, God desires to have a personal relationship with everyone. 

I only feel anger towards people who attempt to weaponize their faith to oppress and hurt others, and scare those curious souls in their church that feel compelled to explore those hard questions. But those who are just quietly living their life and not using their faith to cause harm don't worry me. To me, it only becomes an issue when someone decides to weaponize their faith against others, whether that's going after other members in their church, going after other churches, or preaching on street corners (among other things). 

There is, after all, a reason why Christ was so harsh towards the Pharisees (and law-based faith in general). Because, a Pharisee-like faith is destructive towards everything and everyone it gets its dirty paws on. 

Personally, I've yet to see a street-preacher or some other religious recruiter perched outside a busy public place, bring someone to faith. I've yet to see a public display of fervent prayer underneath a flagpole encourage someone wrestling with God. I've yet to feel the Holy Spirit whenever I come across a mob of Christians protesting outside abortion clinics or hospitals overwhelmed with Covid patients. If anything, I find that type of behavior rather repulsive. Always have, actually. I just could never really put my finger on it until I read the Gospel according to Matthew, specifically chapters six and seven. 

Yet, few churches I've heard (and basically none that I've been to in-person), have touched Matthew six and seven with a ten-foot pole. Perhaps, I just wasn't at some churches when they did, indeed, have a sermon on Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. But, there are a handful of churches I recall going to that seemed to be actively avoiding Jesus' condemnations of Pharisee-like behavior. Because, well, it went against the church's personal ideologies, and I find that tremendously depressing and angering. 

Even more upsetting, is that so many of those churches go after their quietest members. I experienced this quite a bit in my private Christian school. Because I wasn't loud and open about the little faith I had, some of my peers and teachers were certain that I had no faith at all. They, unfortunately, weren't scared to point it out.

They were also really good at making the Bible say what they wanted it to say. Every week, they had us memorize and recite different passages from the Bible. But, let's just say my teachers used ellipses very liberally. They avoided passages in the Psalms that raked God over the coals, only going over the verses in those Psalms that were more or less sarcastically praising God (Psalm 89 comes to mind), as though the writers for those Psalms were genuinely praising God.

The one time we, as a class, read a Bible story in its entirety (the one where Jacob wrestled with God), I literally saw my teacher's face go white when I asked her something like, "Hey, isn't this story encouraging us to question and argue with God?"

"Oh, that's not the important part of this story, here." I remember her snapping at me, "The important part is that Jacob, now called Israel, remained faithful to God all his life, never straying from his faith."

I think we went back-and-fourth a bit more, but I can't remember what else was said. All that I remember is feeling very flustered after that little exchange, knowing I'd have to put up with their bullshit till the end of the school year. And, just for reference, this little argument took place the very first week of tenth grade.

Throughout the rest of the school year, my faith in God seemed to shatter like a boulder blasting down the side of a rocky mountain. By Christmas, I was pretty much a full-on angry atheist, frustrated by the Christians I'd grown up around, and the teachers and peers I was now forced to deal with nearly every day. I felt betrayed, lied to, duped, stupid, etc. For believing in the Christian God in the modern day, where a quick Google search could topple the literalist, fundamentalist view of Scripture I was trapped by. And, for teenage me, that really fucking sucked. Especially because I was getting quite sick at that point. 

But, what really crushed my faith, not just in God, but also in people in general, were the many times my teachers, peers, and even a handful of pastors alluded (or just straight-up declared) that God punished the faithless and sinful, and only blessed the faithful. The sicker a person was, the more bad luck a person had, the more bumps in the road someone endured, were all indications that they were doing something wrong and God was punishing them for it. 

And, according to so many Christians in my life at the time (particularly at my school, but also at outside churches), I had a lot of sins to atone for. I needed to be more feminine, wear skirts and leggings instead of dusty jeans and camo hoodies. I needed to be more meek and quiet in church, I needed to be less crass and less critical towards Scripture, I needed to pray more, I needed to be more extroverted and talkative with peers, I needed to, I needed to, I needed to...

Because, in the eyes of such Christians, my health wouldn't improve unless I obeyed God. And, until I obeyed God, I would only suffer more and more. 

While I now know how unbiblical and morally fucked-up that is, it still brings me to tears whenever I reflect back at that time. After all, how could someone, who claimed to be a Christian, look at me and say such dreadful things to me? All without showing even a hint of sorrow for me. Looking at me like I'd just rode a skateboard off a roof knowing damn well what would happen.

I've thought about this for years, and I still can't answer it. I can't even try to think that way.

It's just too wrong to look at someone suffering from a terminal condition (or any number of tragedies and hellish shit) and think they must've done something to piss off God. And, therefore, deserve to go through that Hell.

Yet, that's exactly how so many people have viewed me. 

But, God never viewed me, or anyone else for that matter, in that way. Even in the Old Testament (specifically Job), God is quite clear that He isn't transactional, even when some other Biblical authors viewed Him as such. It becomes especially clear in the New Testament, when Christ specifically says, many times, that He never used bad things to punish people. Shit just happened, because that's just how the world worked (and still works).

I wasn't born sick because of mine or my parents' sin. I was born with CF (and other conditions) out of pure chance. I had a 1 in 250,000 chance of being born with CF. I had a 1 in 10,000 chance of being born with Pulmonary Atresia. I had a 1 in 200 chance of being born Autistic. When I was conceived, the die were rolled, and I ended up getting wrecked, not because my parents did anything wrong. Not because of generational sin. Not because God specifically chose me to bear those conditions. It was simply luck-of-the-draw. 

Evolution at its finest. 

Since tenth grade, over the course of several years, my relationship with God has healed. It continues to strengthen with each passing day. I can't really explain how or why that happened. There's no simple answer as to why my mind changed about God after all the Hell I've endured. There's no real "aha!" moment I can point to, either. Over the course of those several years, for whatever reason, I just came stumbling back to God. 

But, when it comes to other people, especially churches and pastors, I remain incredibly skittish and defensive around them. I get that nobody is perfect. Nobody can perfectly emulate the perfect patience and love of God. But, it's pretty damn easy to tell who is genuinely trying to be the best people they can be, out of those who are, at best, half-assing their way through life. Or, worse, those who are genuinely wolves in sheep's clothing.

The wolves in sheep's clothing scare me more than anyone else, and those fuckers seem to be everywhere.

Still, I keep hoping and praying for the courage to test various churches around town, as I still long for greater fellowship with other Christians. While I have friends who seem to share my same faith, I still would like to find a place to worship and bicker over Scripture with others on Sunday mornings. And, there are a couple places nearby that, based on their websites, a couple of sermons I've watched online, and are recommended by people I trust, seem to be safe places to start. 

But, again, I've genuinely been traumatized by most of the churches my Christian family members have dragged me to (kicking and screaming, of course). That, and I am very much disturbed by the behaviors so many people, even in my city, exhibit in the name of Christ. If the Satanic Temple can love and serve the community better than most churches I've attended, then there is something seriously, seriously, seriously wrong with those churches and the people who run them. And, it's so hard to start going to church again after all of the shit I've laid out in this piece. 

As badly as I wish to find a community of fellow Christians who will love and accept me as I come. Questions, doubts, flaws, fears, and camo hoodies included.