In the meantime, I will continue to explore these horrific trenches of my past. It's the only way to really truly come to terms with everything I've been through, so I can heal and become the best version of myself I can possibly be. 

But, I must also recognize the miracle that I am, as well as the strength that I possess. Frankly, I'm still terrified of pretty much everything and everyone, even though I almost never allow people to see that side of me. My head's always on a swivel. I'm always keeping tabs on everything that's going on around me, and being hyper-alert of every little red flag and gut feeling I ever get. I still suffer from extreme nightmares, and am a lighter sleeper than most. Sometimes, when I get in the driver's side of my Xterra, or walk into my college building, or meet up with friends on my own, or pick up the phone to make a doctor's appointment, I second-guess myself. As though I'm not old enough or competent enough to drive, or go to college, or drive myself to Enchanted Grounds, or make and attend a doctor's appointment by myself. 

Yet, I am. And, I do. 

There's nothing more satisfying and empowering than responding to the thought, "What are you doing in the driver's seat of this 4,000 pound vehicle? You're too small, young, scared, etc. to drive!" by turning the ignition key, shifting into drive, and getting to my destination completely safe. Because, not only did I disprove that anxious thought, but I overcame it. I defied it. I gave my anxiety (and the people who spent all their time with me trying to tear me down and scar me for life) two giant middle fingers. That is honestly one of the best, most healing feelings in the world.