Thankfully, I can still heal from the past without an ounce of remorse from my stepfamily, as well as without attempting to rebuild any charred bridges. Our relationship will forever be lost, but my mental and physical health, and my ability to trust people again won't be. In a way, I've already begun to heal. It's apparent in how much confidence I've grown just in the last few years or so. I no longer perceive everything that has a heartbeat as an immediate threat. In fact, I feel rather safe around a handful of people I've met since I was fourteen, such as those in the writer's group, as well as friends of my parents whom I've gotten to know very well.
Of course, I feel safe around my parents, too, even if we get a little heated at times. Because, well, while they may have sucked at protecting me from many things, at least they've never tried to intentionally put me in harm's way. And, best of all, they're willing and able to sit down with me and calmly talk it out, if there's a disagreement or miscommunication or a hatchet to bury. Something not a lot of people can really do, apparently. So many people lack the guts to sit down with each other to apologize, compromise, and get on the same page.
Since my parents have been willing to sit down and talk things through with me, my relationship with both my parents is better than ever. Do we still have our disagreements and misunderstandings? Of course! But, they're not over anything serious enough for me to remember after a day or two.
Family disagreements are normal, after all. The occasional heated fight (not physical, however) is normal. Misunderstandings and crossed wires here and there are normal too. A screw-up here and there is normal. A little smothering from parents is also normal (all moms are a little clingy, and all dads can get a little overprotective). I know that, and I'm okay with that. If my parents and I were perfect in every way, that would be a serious issue.
However, I also recognize that my family situation hasn't always been normal or okay. I mean, the conversational "no-go-zones" have to go at some point. I can't spend my entire life avoiding the subject of my stepfamily with my dad, nor can I spend my entire life avoiding the topic of dating and boyfriends with my mom. Even if I don't reconcile with the people who hurt me the most, at the very least, I recognize I need to reconcile with my parents. Preferably long before I actually get around to publishing my memoir.
Those are conversations I dread having with my parents. But, they're necessary conversations to have (especially if I plan on publishing my life story). They'll be safe, cordial conversations too, as they will be held in an office with an experienced therapist. Trust me, I've spent many nights lying awake, coming up with some sort of "game plan" to tackle these very uncomfortable topics with my parents, in a way that won't annihilate or even slightly tarnish our relationships in the process. The trickiest part is just getting the ball rolling. I'm not sure how to ask my parents to join me in therapy to discuss a "no-go-zone", without just blurting it out one day.
Still, I want to be able to write a memoir. Writing is healing, after all, and I want to organize and "take charge" of my life story. So many people have tried to take control over the narrative of my own life. Many family (and step-family) members have already screamed their side of my story from the rooftops, so the cat's already out of the bag. In the past, I've tried to tell my family how uncomfortable it made me knowing they were sharing my story on social media and to friends and coworkers. I've also tried to tell them to simply shut the fuck up, but that hasn't worked either (now it seems like the whole world knows I've sworn at my parents a handful of times).
The only way to take charge of my life story, knowing what I know, having experienced what I've experienced, is to go out and tell it myself. Thing is, I'm not an extrovert. I don't have the goofiness or charisma to run a Youtube channel. I'm not in search of fame, fortune, or anything like that. I also don't want to just condense my whole life into some obscure blog. It would be nice to see my life story appear on bookshelves in public, but under a pseudonym to ensure mine and my family's privacy. Writing is a way to heal, and it's a way to make one's mark on the world. And, I genuinely believe that not only will I feel much better having written and published as much of my life story as I'm willing to write and publish (which, is admittedly, not actually a whole lot, it just seems like it because I tend to write about the same problems over and over and over again). But, I might be able to help and serve other people, specifically the underdogs who can't seem to catch a break.
To show them that they aren't alone.
I refuse to just keep quiet, even though some people in my (step) family have already warned me (the moment they realized I could write), that they'd take legal action if I even wrote a little bit about them. For the longest time, that terrified me. But, since I've done my research and spent years talking to therapists and lawyers alike about the prospect of writing my own memoir, I no longer fear legal retribution.
The only thing I fear is tarnishing my relationship with my parents. Indeed, I'm close to my parents, but those "no-go-zones" (which are things I absolutely will write about in my memoir) have the ability to completely obliterate our relationship. I don't give a damn what the people that I've cut off have to say. They can write their own memoirs for all I care. But, I certainly care about keeping a loving, functional relationship with my parents.
Thankfully, I have more than enough time to talk through the "no-go-zones" with my parents, finish my memoir, and lawyer up. My memoir can wait as long as it takes.
