My music playlist has been pretty interesting lately, for lack of a better term. I’ve been listening to hours and hours of Tyler Childers, Scott H Biram, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Hank III, and others like them. Their music is both calming and intense. Sometimes, it’s both. But, it has been one of the few things keeping me relatively sane lately. I’m leaving Colorado for Washington state at the end of this week, which definitely has me feeling pretty mixed, much like the music I’ve been listening to (I listen to music for the rhythm and the instruments. I don’t usually care about the lyrics). 

In some ways, I’m ready to leave for Washington. I’ve been very nomadic for pretty much this whole year. I haven’t stayed in one house for longer than a month since March. I’m ready to finally settle down after all of this moving around from one location to the next. However, I’m also feeling quite low. I’m gonna miss Colorado. I’m gonna miss the security I feel knowing I’m close to loved ones in a place I know better than the back of my hand. I’m gonna miss the Rocky mountains, the great plains, the city of Denver, and everything else Colorado has to offer. But, at least I won’t be gone for long. 

We’re leaving a little later than we planned, but it still feels like I haven’t had enough time to say goodbye to my stomping grounds before embarking on my next great adventure. At least, I won’t be gone for long, as I’m going to say again and again. There are two things I’ve been telling myself: I’ll be back on the Front Range by early May, and even if I did stay in Colorado over the winter, I won’t be able to see anyone anyway. 

I’m not gonna hang out with my dad over the weekends because his youngest son is attending school in-person and my dad deals with a lot of people for his job. I won’t be hanging out with my grandparents because they will be hunkered down and minimizing their contact with others, much like me. I won’t be seeing my friends either, for similar reasons. I won’t be going on many outdoor adventures, because the lakes will be frozen over and I’m not willing to go hiking or off-roading in the snow. And, obviously, I won’t be going to any indoor public places, except for the grocery store either very late at night or early in the morning when they only let old and disabled people shop. 

I know life in Washington state will not be much different than what life in Colorado would look like if I stayed home over the winter, except I’ll be able to spend lots more time outside in Washington than I would if I stayed in the Mile High state over the winter. However, I know life in Washington will feel very different. I’m definitely gonna feel isolated and afraid. I’m gonna lose the sense of security I have living close to my closest friends and family. I’m gonna feel completely uprooted and severed from home, even though I know I’ll be back in the spring. I’m also gonna have zero sense of direction until I learn the roads and trails near my Washington house, which might take the whole winter. 

But, at least I’ll finally have a chance to just relax. I can’t wait to finally have nothing to do for the foreseeable future. My anxiety has been kicked into maximum overdrive since I left for Utah, which has had some mixed results. While I seem to have endless amounts of energy and motivation to get shit done, not being able to relax at all has had some pretty serious physical consequences. Weight loss, migraines, heart palpitations, vision issues, sleep deprivation, and muscle soreness are just a few things my anxiety has physically done to me. It’s certainly taking its toll on me, and I can hardly wait to finally settle down and get super bored again. God, I can’t wait to feel what it’s like to be bored again. 

In the meantime, I’ve been anxiously counting down the hours ‘til I head out again. I’m both chomping at the bit and resisting the lead. I want to head out as soon as possible, but I also wish I didn’t have to leave at all. I’m torn between spending my winter fishing and hiking everyday, and just holing myself up in my bedroom for the whole winter playing World of Warcraft, and re-learning how to play the guitar after being without it for almost the entire year. I want to be the most productive and energetic person in the universe, as well as the most lazy and boring person, at the same time. I guess I will soon find balance instead of being torn between two extremes, especially once I arrive in Washington and establish a routine. 

But, right now, things are crazy for me and my little household, and I’m not quite sure what to do with everything going on. I guess I’m doing my best. Listening to the music I’ve been listening to has definitely helped keep me sane and focused, as music always does for me. I don’t know what state I’d be in if I didn’t have unlimited access to the music I like right now. I’d probably be a lot more stressed, anxious, and depressed. I’d probably be a lot less organized and productive. I’d probably have a much shorter fuse than usual, and also be much quicker to cry. I’d just be such a terrible mess. 

But, thanks to the music I’ve been listening to, I’m finding ways to cope with the craziness in my life right now. Not only am I coping with life, I’m actually feeling relatively okay. I'm physically well. Mentally, I'm managing. Spiritually, I'm confident. Overall, I'm alright. 

I’m not quite sure where I was going with this. As you can tell, I’m having a hard time sitting down and focusing, and putting my feelings into words. Hopefully, within the next few weeks or so, I’ll be back to working on my memoir and writing as usual. Perhaps, that’s why I referred to the music I love. Sometimes, I can’t really express myself with words too well, but I can express myself with the rhythms and chords of the music I’m into. 

I’ll end this blog with links to the three songs I think best describe what life has been like for me lately without words (again, I don’t usually listen to music for the lyrics. I listen to music for, well, the music). 

Scott H. Biram ~ Muleskinner Blues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvYFRRYYX2c

Tyler Childers ~ Whitehouse Road: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjftvOLs0Y0

Hank III ~ Smoke and Wine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcDFLfwGQGo