Besides learning to love and accept myself, and heal from the past, I’m making new memories each and every new day. I’m doing remarkably well in college (despite how tired I get being around others, and all of the complex math in Astronomy). I’m getting more and more comfortable driving and talking to strangers each and every day. I think I might even be making a few new friends, while maintaining the close friendships I’ve already made. My physical health is nothing short of miraculous, and with a handful of prescription “chill pills”, therapy, exercise, and coping mechanisms, my mental health has started to improve.
Still, I’m not yet satisfied. Learning to accept myself doesn’t just mean processing my very dark past in therapy and unlearning twenty years’ worth in internalized ableism. It also means to stop comparing myself to other people (especially to “normal” people, and people with health conditions different than my own), and chewing on every mistake I’ve ever made over and over again, never forgiving myself, or reveling in just how much I’ve grown and changed and matured over the years.
After all, even “normal” people say, “you too” to the waitress sometimes. Even “normal” people run over curbs sometimes. Even “normal” people say things that come out very wrong. Even “normal” people stub their toes against furniture. Even “normal” people get colds and flus. Even “normal” people sometimes eat something that doesn’t agree with them. Even "normal" people don't get straight A's in school. All of that and more is just part of being human. And, no matter how alien I sometimes feel, I am still a human being. Worthy of being treated like everyone else.
Being Autistic doesn't change any of that, and my shortcomings and mistakes can't be blamed on the fact that I am Autistic. Like everyone else, I'm learning, growing, and simply being a human being. Like everyone else, I still expect myself to be able to learn and grow. I still expect myself to figure out solutions to problems I previously thought were all caused by PTSD or anxiety (such as, my ability to socialize with others). As a result, I have made tremendous progress over the months and years towards my goal of not just being able to socialize with others and get along with them. But, being able to do that without passing out the second I get home and lay down on the couch. Now that I understand that I'm Autistic, and not just traumatized into being anti-social, I think I may just be able to solve this crippling problem of mine. All without killing off the good aspects of my Autism.
