In the meantime, I’m faced with my greatest challenge in regards to my ASD diagnosis yet: deconstructing years and years worth of self-hatred and doubt, and learning to love and accept who I am. That’ll require me to go back in time in my mind; back to every instance of bullying, discrimination, and downright hatred from others I have received. Turns out, I wasn’t bullied just because of my Cystic Fibrosis and the physical symptoms I was plagued with during my childhood. Sure, being small and sickly didn’t help protect me against bullies. But, my inability to innate pick up most social cues, my lack of interest in others and intense interest in the details of the world around me, my extreme shyness and fears, and my very different ways of thinking and learning, are what made me a major target of bullying and abuse. 

Now, as a healthy, college-attending adult, I must relive those nasty past experiences from my childhood (with the help of a trusted therapist, of course), process them, and compartmentalize them. All so that I can actually heal for once. 

Sure, I will always have scars. I will never be truly cured of my past. But, I may finally be able to live my life without being constantly bogged down my my own self-hatred, which actually may not be coming from me. What I mean is, the bulk of my negative thoughts towards myself and my Imposter Syndrome are rooted in what people told me in my past. Processing and compartmentalizing all of the horrible shit people said and did to me, should really help me boost my confidence and bring most of my internalized self-hatred and resentment to heel. 

Again, that will take years. It may even take the rest of my life. But, I’m determined to accept myself. Not just know, but feel and understand in my heart that it’s okay to be Autistic. Especially since being Autistic isn’t actually bad or wrong. 

Autism isn’t at all like Cystic Fibrosis or anxiety. It’s just a different way of thinking and processing the world. The world needs people like me, as well as people with ADHD, and people with Dyslexia, and people with Tourettes, and every other different way of existing and perceiving the world. Of course, the world needs “normal” people too. Without neurodiversity, we’d probably still be living in caves hunting big game with spears. We must embrace neurodiversity, instead of fearing and institutionalizing the “different”. 

Cystic Fibrosis can still go fuck itself though. I’m not quite sure it has brought much good into this world at this point. It’s probably killed off someone who would’ve cured cancer had they survived childhood. Anyway. 

With all that said, my feelings of self-hatred and resentment towards myself (or more specifically, towards the things I was born with) are still very much valid. After all, I have every reason to believe life would’ve been infinitely easier had I just been born “normal”. Even if I turned out as stupid and reckless as Florida Man, at least I may have been much happier and much less doubtful in life. But, being “normal” comes with its pros and cons too. 

Had I been “normal”, I may have been much happier, but I probably would’ve also ended up ruining my life by throwing a gator through an annoying neighbor’s window at three in the morning. Or died of covid because my dumbass refused the vaccine. Or both. 

Or, perhaps I would’ve just been another carbon-copy of every other middle-class American. I would’ve gone to school all year long, rarely getting sick or having to go to numerous doctors’ appointments. I would’ve had a much easier time making friends and learning social rules. My biggest hurdles in life would've involved me getting my heart broken a couple times, or maybe a particularly awful (though not life-threatening) flu. I would’ve graduated high school without having to attend four different types of schools to do so. I would’ve gone to college or work, had a family, retired after several decades, and died peacefully in a nursing home. At least, I think so. 

Regardless, I likely would’ve spent my life living in the moment, blissfully ignorant of most things that now bother me. At least, I think I would. I don’t know for sure. I’m just speculating. 

Yet, I can’t just press a giant “reset” button and live life all over again as a much more “normal” and “average” person. I must live my life and give it the best I can, even though I am anything but “normal”.