My brushes with death have made me an incredibly safe, trustworthy, and gentle soul. At least, I've been told as much. While I personally struggle to believe that I have such qualities, others' actions say the opposite. But, that's besides the point.
What I'm trying to (begrudgingly) say, is that because of all of the shit I've been forced to live through, I've learned that life is valuable yet also extremely fragile. The line between this life and the next is startlingly thin. This knowledge has made me exceptionally cautious and aware in life. People often notice just how cautious I am, and have even made fun of me for it. Yet, at the same time, I'm not afraid to to incredibly risky things; things that even most brazen people wouldn't dream of trying. Why is that? That's quite hard to answer, but I'll try.
I understand the importance of safety, but also the importance of living a full and eventful life. Whenever I ride a dirtbike, I never forgo a snug full-face helmet and goggles, sturdy boots, knee and elbow protection, etc. Yet, I ride like a bat out of hell in the mountains, as to maximize the adventure and thrill of the ride. Whenever I drive my Xterra, I always wear my seatbelt, lock my doors, keep my windows at least cracked open so I can hear the world better, tell people where I'm going and when to expect me back, and drive the speed limit. But, I'm not afraid to drive down random roads to see what's down them, and to test my sense of direction. Nor am I afraid to shift into four-wheel-drive and head up and down some sketchy mountain roads, scaring off every deer and bear within a five mile radius by blasting Slayer and Metallica on the radio (yes, Christians can and do listen to bands like Metallica and Slayer. Don't listen to Satanic Panic propaganda of the 80's that is still prevalent in conservative churches. Listen to that shit sometimes. It's truly art).
During the worst of the pandemic, I was armed to the teeth with N95 masks, rubber gloves, and hand sanitizer. Yet, I still road tripped across the country several times, visiting with friends we knew had been being cautious as we were, and seeing places I'd never seen in-person before. And, guess what? While we had a few close calls with covid-19, nobody living under the same roof as me got the 'rona before we got fully vaccinated. Now that we've been fully vaccinated, life has basically returned to normal, though I still pay attention to the news and scientists, as everyone should.
Point is, there's a healthy balance between risk and safety. It's important to not be completely reckless. But, it's equally important that we avoid becoming complete agoraphobic hermits. I fear that had I been born into a "normal" body, I wouldn't have learned that vital lesson. Again, I fear the woman I could've been had I not been born with the plethora of genetic conditions I've been blessed/cursed (AKA "blursed") with. Indeed, I think I can confidently say that Cystic Fibrosis has been a blurse. As much as I often resent it, I can't see myself living without it.
In a broader sense, perhaps all suffering is "blursed". It largely depends on how a person uses and views their suffering. Some people choose to be entirely cursed by suffering, which is often how militant, Dawkins worshipping anti-theists are born. Some people choose to be entirely blessed by suffering, which is often how toxic faith-healers and motivational speakers are born. But, I think most people (like me) exist somewhere between the two extremes, which is okay! We can be thankful for our suffering and simultaneously resent it.
Personally, as much as I wish I didn't have to suffer the things I did and do, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's life. Of course, I'd cure my health conditions in an instant if I could, and get over my trust issues and social imperfections overnight too. But, wipe those things out of my life completely, from my past, present, and future? Absolutely not!
