Note: I want this piece in the memoir to "break the fourth wall" in a way. I just don't know where it would fit. And it does reference writings I haven't posted yet, but are currently drafts. I also added a completely random story I was reminded of when I was looking through some old pictures. It's more of an anecdote more than anything, but it's definitely memoir-worthy in my eyes. It's actually an introduction to the side of my life I haven't really touched on yet in any memoir writings, which is the farm life. 

Writing this memoir has been surprisingly hard. Aside from my mom urging me to finish it so she, my family, her friends, her friends' friends, and her friends' friends' friends can read it, I have left a lot of things out. I don't want my entire life so far, or even half of it, on the shelves for anyone to pick up and read. Call me selfish, but I just don't want to risk throwing my privacy and dignity out the window. Lots of people get themselves into trouble by over-sharing, especially these days, and I'm not about to to step into that trap. 

I don't talk a whole lot about other people in this memoir, because I want to be respectful and protect their right to privacy, even if some people in my life haven't considered my right to the same thing. Plus, I don't have many friends, and never really have. I've truly been a lone wolf, and that's ok. I'm used to it. In fact, I've grown to enjoy it, though I still have a love-hate relationship with it. I get lonely, and sometimes that loneliness leads to bouts of depression and self-deprecation. Thankfully, those times hardly last long. 

The nice thing about this memoir though, is that for once in my life, I have complete control over something. I can control what I want the public to know about me when they take the time to pick this book up. Keep in mind, for every page that's in this thing, there are at least five drafts of it on my laptop, which is how I'm writing this in the first place.

Most of those drafts are very rough and rambly, often jumping from topic to topic because every event in my life seems to be connected in some way. Some drafts are incomplete, never to be completed, because I either got bored, tired, sick, ran out of time, or just hated what I wrote and needed a fresh start. I never realized that writing a memoir required so many drafts, so much time, and so much editing. Had I known this in the first place, I may not have even considered writing a book. But I promised my family, and my friends, and my friends' friends, and my family's friends, and everyone who follows me on social media, and the world, and God, that I'd one day publish a book about the first 18 years or so of my life. So, here I am. 

That isn't to say I haven't enjoyed the time I've spent writing this. I truly do enjoy my time writing on my laptop. I write everyday, just 80% of what I write doesn't get published. Writing is therapeutic, and I use it to cope with everyday life. I write on my phone and my laptop, which are both logged into the same accounts, that automatically and immediately save every word I write. Sometimes, I forget about charging the batteries, or some misadventure destroys my phone. It's always nice to know that if one of my electronics dies or gets completely wrecked, because technology is fragile (unlike me), my stuff will still be saved, and I can access it again from anything. 

Writing this memoir has been quite interesting and enjoyable. I have a lot of reasons why I've taken so much time to publish these stories and memories from my life. I want to raise awareness about Cystic Fibrosis, and show you (the reader in the outside world) what the disease really is like. I know awareness for the disease has greatly increased since I was born, but much of that awareness has lacked accuracy and meaning, and pretty much everything out there hasn't represented me or the disease well. I hope my memoir is different. 

I want to drag your ass through hell with me, but I also want you to experience heaven, which is how I write. I know you probably read to briefly leave your life behind and live someone else's. Well, you're living one hell of a life through my eyes while reading this memoir. I hope you're enjoying yourself, because I damn sure am.