Lord, in part, what scares me most about my life as it is now, is that I’m not in control. I feel like I know how to make it on my own. I have plans and ideas that will probably work, but they aren’t the plans and ideas you want me to follow. If it was up to me, I would be out there right now and trying to make money making it on my own as an entrepreneur.

But if I did that, I don’t think I would have the time or opportunity to do the things I’m doing now. I may not be where I am, but I'm probably exactly where I need to be. My whole view of what is valuable is expanding and changing. My focus is becoming less on my self and my life, and more on the nonexistent lives of my future children.

Good heavens Lord, I havn’t even graduated college yet. Between chronic illness and depression, I barely make it through each day some times. I find more and more as I continue in life, my very existence is becoming dependent on you. Its one of the dam hardest things I’ve ever been faced with. To give up the entire direction of my life, all the hopes and dreams that I had since I was a child. But not just my life, but the hopes and dreams for those around me and for those children I now hope to one day have…

Sometimes that’s even harder. To realize I don’t know how I would support my possible future family. To think that I may never have one the way I want to. Will I even be able to have kids? With how my illnesses are, there is so much unknown. Will I be able to find a partner who can not only put up with my spirit, and how broken I can be, but also with my health? Can I support them through their own troubles?

 I guess each day, I’m faced with my own inadequateness.