I woke up last night. I forgot to undo my alarm from the night before, so here I was at 4:40 in the morning in extreme pain. I glanced at my body. My legs were swollen like logs, my gut looked like that of a hard-core drinker. My face almost felt numb because of how swollen it was. Every bone and joint in my body ached, especially my foot which I had sprained or jammed about a week ago. I had an almost acid taste in my mouth since my body’s PH had risen. I lay there, hot, tired and aching for a while.

The only thoughts in my brain were simply of how the heck was I going to make it through the next week? I’m better today, after I have spent almost 12 hours doing nothing but trying to bring the inflammation down but I still don’t know if I will be able to do everything I need to.

I didn’t’ do anything drastic, I hadn’t had a night of drinking or partying. I hadn’t done much that would be different from most people. Heck I even got to sleep at a fairly respectable hour. But this is the reality of living chronically ill. I genuinely don’t know if I will be able to get everything done this week that I need to. I hope I can, I’m planning on, heck other people are counting on me. But I just don’t know.

 

How do I try and prepare for a life on my own? How do I prepare to take care of and provide for myself, as well as others? How do I find a job that meets my highly specific ever-changing needs?

I don’t have the answer to those questions. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see. And to be clear, I’m not trying to complain. I’m merely trying to describe what its like to live chronically ill. I have a hard time describing it to people and helping them understand. Because to be honest, if you have never had to deal with things like this, you would have no benchmark for understanding. I have friends who do their best to understand but I know its hard for them and I want to be better able to describe to them what its like, for their sakes.

 

I want to preface this with a slight warning. I am asking deep questions here, and I am a human, bound to make mistakes, please use discernment when it comes to my answers and how I talk about these real issues. I don’t know all the answers, I don’t know all things, but I would like to think I’m looking for the truth. I know there are somethings in here that aren’t right, but I hope that there is at least some element of truth here that will help people with their on questions.

 

 

I had a brother in Christ ask me once, “Do you think God wants you to have allergies?”

It’s a question I ask my self often. Does God want me to suffer? Well… no. But Jesus suffered….

We live in a fallen world, suffering is a reality because of sin. It’s the horrible mystery of the depravity of man, suffering is a reality. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that allergies are a punishment for sin, I am sinful yes, but I don’t think God is giving me allergies to punish my sin.

People once asked Jesus, “who sinned, this man, or his parents?” “Neither” Jesus replied. “For it is, that the glory of God might be reviled.” (get exact quote)

Suffering is a fact of a fallen world, even Jesus suffered when he dwelt on earth and he was perfect, with out sin!

I do not think the reality of Christ is to save us from our current suffering, whether that is physical or spiritual, if indeed you want to make the distinction between the two. Christ told us that we should pick up our crosses daily. He did not hide from us the realities of following him and the toll it would take on our lives and bodies. To live for Christ, is not to deny our suffering but to realize that God is taking the evilness of suffering intended by the evil one to tear us from God, to instead pull the rift closed.

 

Suffering is a part of this world, and I do not believe God wishes it on any of his creation, but what God does with it, is not just to wipe it out, but to instead use it to redeem the very thing suffering seeks to destroy.

To be clear, suffering is not a good thing, nor should it be seen as such. But that doesn’t mean that God cannot make good result from it. Paul tells us to rejoice in our current suffering! Why? Not because suffering is good, it is not, but Christ will use it to further his kingdom. Rejoice in what God is doing through it.

I have spent most of my life questioning my suffering, and questioning my mindset surrounding it. Is an allergy evil, or is it simply “is”? Is it our point of view that is the problem, or the disease itself? Are my breathing issues horrible because it keeps me from running free, or is it a blessing that makes me slow down? I guess the question I’m asking, and perhaps this is a dangerous question to ask, if the world was perfect, would I still have allergies, and would I still bleed? Indeed, would there still be death and decay? Or would the results of those things be different? Would death, instead of separating us from God, bring us closer? Is that not what Christ is doing? Not removing death, but instead taking away its sting? Not getting rid of it, but instead removing its perversion?

Is redemption, the act of destroying the natural order of things, or instead changing their meaning, purpose, and results? Is not redemption, the correcting and reordering of that which has been perverted? Taking what was intended for evil and making good result?

I don’t think I have yet grasped the real meaning of these questions, but these are things that I take before the thrown of God and I encourage you to do the same.

Something my brother said didn’t sit well with me. Was he implying that I did not have enough faith to be healed? But did Christ not have enough faith so that the nails did not pierce his skin?

I’m not sure that the definition of faith should be “belief that something will happen” If that is the case, than even demons have faith because they believe that Christ will one day return. Instead I think the definition of faith is different.

Lord, in part, what scares me most about my life as it is now, is that I’m not in control. I feel like I know how to make it on my own. I have plans and ideas that will probably work, but they aren’t the plans and ideas you want me to follow. If it was up to me, I would be out there right now and trying to make money making it on my own as an entrepreneur.

But if I did that, I don’t think I would have the time or opportunity to do the things I’m doing now. I may not be where I am, but I'm probably exactly where I need to be. My whole view of what is valuable is expanding and changing. My focus is becoming less on my self and my life, and more on the nonexistent lives of my future children.

Good heavens Lord, I havn’t even graduated college yet. Between chronic illness and depression, I barely make it through each day some times. I find more and more as I continue in life, my very existence is becoming dependent on you. Its one of the dam hardest things I’ve ever been faced with. To give up the entire direction of my life, all the hopes and dreams that I had since I was a child. But not just my life, but the hopes and dreams for those around me and for those children I now hope to one day have…

Sometimes that’s even harder. To realize I don’t know how I would support my possible future family. To think that I may never have one the way I want to. Will I even be able to have kids? With how my illnesses are, there is so much unknown. Will I be able to find a partner who can not only put up with my spirit, and how broken I can be, but also with my health? Can I support them through their own troubles?

 I guess each day, I’m faced with my own inadequateness.

 

The chance:

Today is good.

Tomorrow may not be.

 

I have many chronic health problems. Some days, and they are rare, I’m not sure if I will make it in life.

But today is good

Today I can walk. Today I can type, today I am not in pain.

Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is Good.

 

Today, I have a chance.

I have a chance to live. To walk, to talk, and put things out into the world in a normal natural way.

 

Many people never get the chance.

Tomorrow, I may not get the chance.

 

But today is good… for me.

 

There is an untold number of people who never get the chance. Life and dignity is slowly stripped away from them. Their human spirits scream out, wanting, desiring…just… to do… to have…

a chance…

The Chance for them…?

I hope so. I pray so. I want so.

 

Today is good

For me

But today for them?

Is a mystery

Who will help them? Who will give them the chance. Who will fight for them, just to breath, to think, to live, and to love. Who will fight for the dignity and grace that they inherently should be given for the honor of the simple fact that they are human?

 

People have given me a chance today. Dr.s and Nurses have slaved hours to help me. Counselors have counseled, helping me see the light of day, when all seamed dark. People have prayed, calling upon the maker himself to intervein.

I am here today, today I have a chance, not because of my courage, or lack thereof, but because of them. Because someone chose to see me for who I am. A child of the divine. A beautiful human, however broken, but a human non the less. Because people saw in my eyes, me, and decided I was worth it.

Today, I have a chance.

A chance to Help,

A chance to heal, to give,

To love….

I have the chance to look into someone’s eyes… and see them-a beautiful if yet still broken human being.

By the Grace of God, today… I have The Chance.

No one told me that the journey of the healing would be just as hard as the journey of the sick.