I don’t doubt my skills as a writer, because writing doesn’t give me anxiety. In fact, I originally got into writing as a way to alleviate my anxiety. As a result, even big, technical writing projects, such as lab reports and research reviews, don’t stress me out very much. I’m confident in my skills as a writer, and I know when I’m half-assing or even quarter-assing my writing. 

In other words, if I turn in a half-assed writing project and get a 70%, I’m never surprised or upset or offended, because I already know what I did wrong. For such projects, I just don’t really try my best all the time, because I don’t want to deplete my energy too much as I need it for harder subjects… such as Chemistry. 

Speaking of Chemistry, and other such subjects… why do I doubt my ability to do well in the sciences, even though I’m apparently so damn good at it that I can pass a fill-in-the-blank exam about stuff we didn’t discover until the 1980s and 1990s- without even studying for it???

This is a question that has been haunting me ever since I began college. One would think that as I progressed in my studies without failing a single class, I’d grow increasingly confident in my academic skills. Unfortunately, for reasons related to my anxiety, that’s not how that works. 

When it comes to my “imposter syndrome”, which is my inner belief that no matter what, I’ll never be good enough, and it’s just a matter of time before my “scientist facade” is revealed for all to see. Why might I carry that insecurity? 

Well… this semester, since I’m tackling Chemistry and Biology, I’m constantly reminding myself of the fact that, for 10th grade, I attended a small, conservative, private Christian school where I was taught Chemistry from a young-earth-creationist perspective. Never-mind the fact that I was sick as a dog throughout K-12, so learning shit wasn’t exactly on my list of priorities. Never-mind the fact that I attended normal, secular schools for 11 of the 12 grades. Never-mind the fact that I’ve always been interested in science, which is why I grew up watching Mythbusters, Storm Chasers, and Planet Earth instead of sports and cartoons. 

According to my anxiety, because I attended a private, young-earth-creationist school for 10th grade, where I was taught a very flawed, incomplete version of Chemistry, I must be forever doomed to never understand Chemistry. Or Biology. Or Astronomy. Or science in general. 

Logically, I know my anxiety is wrong. I know that I can- and do- understand very complex science. I know that I can- and will- understand Chemistry as it should’ve been taught to me all those years ago. I know that there are many, many more Christians who accept and understand modern science, than there are young-earth-creationist Christians. Therefore, neither my career as a scientist or my Christian identity are jeopardized by my past or future. 

Too bad I only get that logically, but not yet emotionally. Keyword: yet.