Case in point: today, I sauntered into my microbiology class fully expecting to get my exam with a big, fat “F” stamped on the front of it. Instead, however, my professor first gave us the day’s lecture before passing out the exams, because he “wanted to talk to us” about it, and didn’t want his “little talk” to distract us.
As interesting as the lecture was, I definitely struggled to pay attention to it because I was so damn worried about my exam score. I mean… the suspense was killing me. It felt like I’d just received a “call me” text from my mom with no context, whatsoever, but couldn’t get a hold of her right away. But finally, after a long lecture about micro-RNAs and gene regulation, my professor finished the exam with a sigh.
“So…” he began like a disappointed father would, “I’m not happy with how most of you did on the exam. In fact, I take it quite personally, because it means that I didn’t do a good job teaching you guys this first round… but do not despair. I’ll give you an extra day to write a little reflection and correct the answers you got wrong on the test. Then, I will give you enough points so that you pass, or add onto the points you have already earned.”
After that little speech, he began to call people up to the front of the lecture hall, one by one, to collect their exams along with a reflection worksheet. It felt like forever for him to call me up. But once he did, he gave me my exam, and told me not to look at it until I got back to my seat.
Once at my seat, I flipped the exam over, and looked for the big, fat “F” stamped to the front page. Except, instead of a big, fat “F”, there was a 72% scribbled on my exam.
To my absolute shock, I’d passed!
Now, am I still gonna go through my exam and correct what I’d gotten wrong? Yes. However, after skimming my exam, I’ve realized that most of my “wrong” answers were in the right ballpark, they just weren’t specific enough. And the prof made sure to tell me so (there were so many comments like “so close…” next to my “wrong” answers).
And again, I barely studied for this exam, if I studied at all. Not because I’m not enjoying the class (I am), but because I’m not as worried about microbiology as I am about my other classes, such as Chemistry.
However, even in Chemistry, I’m beginning to realize that it’s not the “hard” questions that get me. I just have a difficult time keeping track of numbers and units. Why? Because after awhile, everything starts to look the same, and my mind starts crossing wires. Even so, I still get within the ballpark of the right answer, just by rubbing my last two brain cells together a little longer to logically deduce the right answer from the question (when the test is multiple choice, which it will be in Chemistry).
So, what does this tell me?
Logically, I know that this means that I am a decent university student. I am capable of being a good scientist. I am capable of understanding hard things, even with minimum effort. Why, then, do I find myself doubting myself all the damn time?
Long story short, I have anxiety about my ability to do well in the STEM subjects. Why? Because of how much I struggled with them in K-12.
