Healing from trauma is not as easy as meeting one or two teachers/professors that “break the cycle”. Sure, succeeding in my classes and getting positive attention from my professors gave me the confidence and assurance I needed to keep chugging through college. But, my self-confidence continued to lack, despite the fact that I was empirically doing extremely well. 

My imposter syndrome only worsened as I ended up on the Dean’s List, then the President’s List, multiple semesters in a row. I began to get invitations to formal events for “distinguished” students like myself. I even won an award that several college officials called and begged me to walk the stage for. But, I never did. I simply hung up on them and told the Dean of the college to send me my award in the mail. 

“Are you certain you can’t attend the rewards ceremony?” his final email to me asked, “We’ll still read off your name, but it would be really unfortunate for you to not to attend.”

“Yes, I am certain I cannot attend the ceremony.” I wrote back, knowing damn-well I could’ve attended the ceremony if I wanted to. But, instead, I decided that I simply couldn’t go, because… well… since when was I worthy of such recognition?

Thinking back on those days, I can’t say I regret turning down those opportunities to attend those formal events. But, I still feel sad about the fact that I couldn’t- and honestly still can’t- see myself for who I was- and who I am.

Indeed, I’m now a full-time university student. I’ve got nearly perfect scores in my Biology classes, and I’m very comfortably passing my non-major classes as well. And yet… against all logic and reasoning, I do not see myself as a good student, worthy of the encouragement and attention I’ve gotten from my professors, TA’s, and even peers. I don’t understand what it is that makes me so… exceptional. I don’t understand why I struggled so much throughout most of K-12, only to end up in college/university and thrive there. 

In my mind, I’m no academic. I’m not supposed to be in college, let alone succeeding in it. I wasn't meant to be a scientist. I shouldn’t be commuting to downtown Denver four days per week; I was never a city girl.

Yet, truth is, I am an academic. I am in college and succeeding at it. I am now a published scientist. I do, in fact, commute two-and-from downtown Denver four days per week. And I know the city like the back of my hand. 

The reason why so many of my peers and professors are drawn to me, is because they see things about me that I cannot see. At least, things I cannot see, yet.