Ten years later and in three weeks’ time, I’ll be routinely commuting to downtown Denver for school, yet again. 

Part of me is excited and grateful for the opportunity to attend university and pursue a degree I am, so far, quite interested in. After all, I’m acutely aware of all of the hell I’ve been through and the miracles it took to get me to where I am today. And I intend to take full advantage of every privilege and opportunity that comes my way. 

However, a greater part of me is anything but excited to go to school in downtown Denver again. In fact, I’m dreading it. Afraid of it, even. 

There’s not really a particular reason as to why I’m not looking forward to starting this new, exciting, and unexpected chapter in my life. Aside from my numerous grievances I have with the city life, I’m worried about how well (or how poorly) I’ll acclimate to the culture of CU Denver, or whether or not I’ll accepted and respected by my peers and professors alike. Especially since I have no idea what I’m getting myself into in the first place!

I’ll be the first in my immediate family to attend a university like CU Denver, and the first in my entire family to attend CU Denver, period. In two short years, I’ll be the most college-educated person in my immediate family, too. Assuming I stay on the track I’m currently on and fall in love with the research side of things, I’ll be the first in my immediate family to attend graduate school. Perhaps, I’ll be the first ever Dr. Nibbe, too. 

Good lord, just typing that made me want to drop out of school and dwell in my mom’s basement forever… and I can’t really articulate why.

Perhaps, it’s because I’m deeply afraid of losing touch with what I find most important. Perhaps, it’s because I’m worried I’ll become another stereotypical arrogant prick. Perhaps, it’s because I never want to be the “smartest” person in the room. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve always dreamed of living a simple, low-key life. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve always viewed myself as stupid and inadequate, and was told so by many other people throughout my entire life. 

Perhaps, it’s all of the above, and then some. 

Regardless of the specific reasons as to why I feel the way that I feel, the feelings of dread and fear, coupled with the very real possibility of becoming the most educated person in my entire family, are damn-near crippling to me. I seriously can’t think about them too much, or else I might actually drop out of school and barricade myself in my bedroom forever. 

Instead of focusing on the things that fill me with dread and terror, according to my therapist, at least, I must focus on things that do the opposite of that. 

Starting the week before Christmas, I started driving downtown and looking for things that I will enjoy in the city; things that I can do every day after class to recharge and keep myself motivated.