‘Tis the holiday season!
It’s felt a lot more sudden and chaotic this year than usual, but I’m still thankful and excited to stuff my face with ham and eggnog while surrounded by loved ones. I’m also filled with wonder and awe as I think about “the reason for the season”, as they say. Especially after what happened to one of my closest friends, Eric, shortly after Thanksgiving.
While I have a lot of questions and bones to pick with God, I really struggle to deny that He exists, or that He loves and cares about His creation very much. Indeed, a God who simply set things in motion and walked away from it like Deists believe, wouldn’t spend so much time caring for His creation. Yet, He showed up when my friend needed Him most, just like He showed up for me when I needed Him most. And God certainly showed up in not-so-subtle ways.
Of course, I can’t stop wondering why God does miracles like these for some, but not always for others. I know, logically, that I’ll probably never find out that answer for as long as I’m alive. Emotionally, however, I’m almost desperate to get an essay-sized answer to that question from God Himself. And I’m angry that I probably won't get that essay from God till I’m standing cross-armed in His throne room.
After all, God doesn’t seem to do miracles just to do them. If God is as purposeful as Scripture would suggest, He clearly has a purpose for each and every person He rescues from the jaws of death. What that purpose is, however, is an entirely different question. And it’s unique to each and every individual.
Personally, I really struggle with the purpose God’s apparently assigned to me. For one, I don’t even know what God wants from me, let alone how to achieve it. I’m basically flying blindly into the future, terrified of what may or may not be in store each passing day.
My own judgement can only get me so far. I have to rely on my faith even more-so, if I presume that God has, indeed, kept me around for a specific purpose I’ve yet to fulfill.
Man, does the skeptical, atheistic side of me hate that!
But, contrary to what many atheists claim, my faith isn’t blind. I have faith largely because of evidence I’ve been presented with over the years that show that A) God exists, B) God cares about us, and C) God has personally cared for me. Keep in mind, I claim none of those lightly. I mean… Pulmonary heart valves don’t just grow back in kindergarten for no apparent reason. And I think it’s quite the “coincidence” that Trikafta was suddenly approved by the FDA the same day I rage-prayed for much better health.
That said, even though I now believe that God exists and cares about His creation on both a collective and individual scale, I have so, so, so, so many questions about His reasoning and nature, most of which can’t be answered. Such as the question I previously asked:
“Why does God do miracles for some, but not for others?”
According to some Christians (particularly the conservative evangelicals), God’s wisdom is infinitely greater than ours, so who are we to question Him in the first place? Others take a more… diplomatic approach to that question… for lack of better terms, saying that we can ask that question all we want. But, at the end of the day, that question is pretty much unanswerable, therefore it’s the wrong question to ask.
But if my question is the wrong question to ask when confronted by a miracle, what is the right question to ask?
Well… the right question to ask may be, “What now?”, which pretty much translates to, “What do you want from me, Lord?”
Honestly, that’s a pretty scary question to ask, at least to me. But, it’s much more worthwhile than trying to find answers to other, much more unanswerable questions.
So, what does God want from me, or from His creation as a whole?
According to Scripture, God created people to be His image bearers. He wants us to help Him finish what He started. Ok, great! What the hell does all of that mean, though?
Well… long story short, God has a purpose for each and every one of us. And that leads me right back to the original question, “What does God want from me?”
Also, why me? Of all people?
To be continued...
