Unfortunately, however, I had more than my fair share of moments in life that, had things actually gone any worse, I’d be dead. Sure, I didn’t grow up in a warzone. I didn’t grow up around people who were capable of murder. I attended relatively safe schools and lived in relatively safe neighborhoods (for the most part). But I was still fighting for survival as my very body was (and kind of is) incompatible with life. Indeed, the two things standing between me and mortality are medical and Divine interventions. 

That’s why, today, despite the empirical evidence showing that I am healthy, and I will remain healthy for a very long time, I still feel like the other shoe’s gonna drop any second; that I’m merely bullshitting myself into believing that I’m as healthy as I am. One day, sooner than later, I’m gonna pick up an incurable super-virus or bacteria, or my pancreas will finally shut down, or I’ll end up with colon cancer, and that’ll be it! 

In other words, I don’t just feel like an imposter in college. I feel like an imposter in life as a whole, because my brain literally grew up believing I’d be dead by now. Nowadays, I’m having to do the hard work of slowly changing my beliefs, so that I may one day accept, in my heart, that I’m just as healthy and just as worthy to pursue ambitious goals as everyone else. That I have, indeed, beat the odds and by the grace of God, will continue to do so for a very long time. 

Unfortunately, changing one’s beliefs takes a lot of courage and hard work. In order to believe I’m just as healthy as everyone else, and I don’t need to live life like I’m dying anymore, I have to take very good care of myself to maintain the health I’ve got now. 

Basically, I have to live as though I’m healthy to be healthy, even though I don’t always feel that I’m healthy. 

I have to eat right, exercise daily, maintain a solid sleep schedule, take my pills, go to my doctors’ appointments, go to therapy, etc. to stay healthy. Sure, I can have a soda every now and then, and my exercise routine doesn’t have to be nearly as insane as a body-builder’s. But, I still have to follow my strict routines and diet the vast majority of the time to stay healthy, which is true for almost everyone. 

The same principle applies to college. 

I may not feel like a college student. I may not feel that I’ve earned the grades I’ve earned or learned as much as I have. I may feel incredibly fucking stupid every time I take an exam, write a paper, or dare to ask a question in class. But, regardless of my feelings, I still have to live as though I am worthy of my GPA, and I am as intelligent as my professors and peers (as well as my family and friends) suggest. I still have to ask my “stupid” questions, write my “terrible” papers, and take those exams I’m always certain I bombed. I can’t quit college simply because I feel like I should. 

Because, logically I know (thanks to the overwhelming evidence I have) that I belong in college.