I’m nearly four weeks into the semester.

My first round of exams are coming up this week. I’m consistently scoring 80’s and 90’s on every assignment, and am quickly (once again) becoming the professor’s pet in both classes. I’m the defacto leader of both my lab group and my conservation presentation group in my Biology course. I have a solid study routine (among many other very solid routines). I feel good. I look good. I’m eating well. I’m exercising. 

Yet, for some fucking stupid reason I can’t quite put into words, I’m feeling completely out of my element. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have very little confidence in my ability to function and perform as a college student. I’m honestly doubtful that I’ll be accepted into CU Denver next month (even though I’m virtually guaranteed a spot at CU Denver thanks to my GPA and the fact that I’ll commute from home). Most of all, I’m downright terrified of something I can’t even begin to pinpoint or understand, and I’ve been this way since before the semester started. 

Of course, the semester has only served as fuel for my anxiety’s raging fire, especially since I’m taking on two massive courses, neither of which I ever expected myself to sign up for, let alone succeed in. But, it’s not like I jumped into this shit head-first with absolutely zero plans or routines. 

I started my journey as a college student in the fall of 2021 taking just one class. I signed up for the semester last-minute when my grandma Debbie practically dragged me to ACC by the scruff of my neck to make me turn in my high school transcripts. During that adventure, she made me pick a class. Because I’d waited so long to sign up for college, I was left with only two classes to pick from: Mythological Literature or Astronomy 101 with Lab. I went with Astronomy and, while I didn’t love it, I enjoyed it enough to get a solid B and sign up for two classes the following semester. Nearly three years later, here I am. Still incredibly nervous and insecure as a student, but I must also admit something:

Biology is seriously starting to grow on me. Like, to the point I’m having conversations with my parents about the possibility of going to graduate school in the not-so-distant future. Holy fucking shitballs!

Ok, I’m not particularly enjoying having to learn (and somewhat relearn) basic chemistry for biology. I understand why it’s a good idea to know how atoms and molecules work, just like I understand why it’s a good idea to know calculus. But, no matter how I frame it in my mind, I still haven’t gotten myself to like chemistry or calculus. 

Oh well… I’ll learn them anyway. 

Biology, however, especially when it comes to learning about what makes life… well… life, and doing cool shit in a lab, it’s an entirely different story than chemistry or calculus. 

Truth is, I really like biology, and I don’t know what to do with that revelation.