Four classes. I’m four classes away from graduating community college with my associate’s degree.

Well… that’s not entirely true. Apparently, I have to take eight more science lab credits to get my associate’s degree, but that would mean that I’d only take one class in the spring of 2025 (assuming I pass my classes in the fall). So, my parents have both urged me to transfer to university one class early, and get on with a bachelor’s degree. 

Since I want to make the best decision possible, I’ve decided to spend my summer (and possibly the fall) touring various universities within driving distance of my house. Last week, I toured Colorado Christian University. This week, I’ll be touring the Colorado School of Mines. I also plan on touring CU Denver, University of Denver, and Metro State University. If, for some reason, none of those places work out for me, I may stretch my wings further. But, for now, I’m focusing on those five schools and the majors they offer as to not overwhelm myself too much.

The prospect of going to university absolutely scares the shit outta me. I still have trouble with the fact that, against all possible odds, I’m still alive and very well, let alone that I’m a successful community college student. How on God’s green earth am I about six months away from being a university student? Even scarier, what ought I do with the semesters that lie ahead of me?

When I look at my future, I see far too many possibilities and opportunities to choose from. I could literally do whatever I want! And even if I narrow down my majors to those in STEM, I still have literally hundreds of majors to choose from, each of which splits into dozens of more specific paths, which then split into even more careers. So, where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? 

I simply don’t have a fucking clue. 

As a result, my perpetual existential crisis has worsened significantly over the past couple of weeks, after laying dormant simply as an annoying, nagging thought in the back of my mind. I’ve woken up consistently between two and three in the morning in a cold sweat, unable to remember the dreams but somehow knowing that they had something to do with my near future. After each nightmare, I’ve gotten up to get a glass of water and give my worries to God, in hopes of getting an answer from Him. 

So far, I’ve gotten none. 

Yet, despite the anxiety and nightmares, I still feel that I’m doing something right. I mean… so long as I’m progressing in college and trying new, healthy things, I must be moving in a decent direction. But, that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m extremely lost and afraid. I feel like I’m trying to find my way out of a national forest shrouded in dark, dense mist with only a compass that won’t stop spinning no matter how still I stand. 

I don’t know where to go, where I’m heading, or if I’ll ever figure anything out. I’ve spent the last three years throwing darts at a wall and going with what sticks, which hasn’t been exactly helpful as nearly every single one of those damn darts have stuck!

So, what am I supposed to do?