Honestly, it’s a belief I still hold, albeit much more loosely. Because while I don’t fit into the culture of my college or academia as a whole, I also don’t fit entirely into redneck culture either. 

I didn’t grow up in a small town. There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell I could make a living as a farmer or a trucker. I don’t drink or smoke. I couldn’t care less about football or rollin’ coal. And I’m very picky about where I sleep and shit (I have fairly high living standards, compared to some people I’m related to).

So, where do I belong? 

While I may not feel that I belong anywhere specific at the moment, I do believe that I belong in general, as do all people. In general, I belong as a living, breathing human on God’s green earth. My brushes with death and the miracles it took to save me from eternity have convinced me that I belong alive, still. I don’t know why or even how I’m still alive. I just know that I am, and I feel obligated to take advantage of the fact that I’m as healthy and alive as I am. 

Of course, the majority of my peers won’t understand where I’m coming from, which is partly what makes it so hard for me to connect to others and find that sense of belonging. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t belong at college. Clearly, I do, because I’m a student at my college and my name’s on the roster of every class I attend. I just don’t have that feeling of belonging, which is what I’m really trying to get. 

Knowing I belong and feeling a sense of belonging are two very different things. I know that I belong at college, because as I mentioned before, I’m enrolled at my college as a student. But I haven’t found any sense of belonging at my college, because I simply can’t seem to fit in or connect with my peers or professors.

That feeling of belonging has almost nothing to do with the way that I dress. I could dress like everyone else, and I’d still feel like an oddball. People would pick up on those oddball tendencies of mine as well, because no matter what I do or what I look like, I’ll always be very different from everyone else, for reasons well beyond my control. 

To be continued…