I’m still in the midst of a crushing identity crisis.

I’ve been in college for seven semesters, and my GPA remains at a 3.4444…, which classifies me as an “overachiever” in the eyes of many (even though I honestly just do my best without running myself into the ground). And yet… I still don’t feel like a college student. Let alone a college student with an A-average GPA.

Just the other day (a Thursday morning), I held the door open for a group of very well-dressed students on my way to class. By well-dressed, I mean all of the students were in business formal clothes, complete with ties and ironed-out skirts. As the last tweed-jacket wearing student walked through the doorway, he turned around and said with a straight face, “You look like you’ve got elk in your freezer.”

“Maybe I do.” I laughed as I headed to class.  

For the record, such remarks don’t really bother me, meaning that they don’t upset me. For one, I’ve been through way too much to get upset over petty bullshit like that. I’ve also grown used to being the “campus redneck”, and am proud of my not-so-academic family heritage. 

Saying that I look like I’ve got a freezer full of delicious, lean elk meat at home, is more a compliment than an insult to me. Though, the more I reflect back on that incident, the more I’m convinced that student was trying to degrade me. But, that says a lot more about them than it does about me. 

I dress the way that I do because A) it’s practical as it is comfortable, and B) I hate clothes shopping. I’m not in college to “dress to impress” (at least, not yet). I’m not trying to make friends with anyone either. I’m just trying to get through my degree with minimal stress and anxiety. Having to pick an outfit every day when my entire wardrobe looks and feels exactly the same, really takes some weight off of my shoulders (Mark Zuckerberg’s said the same thing about his wardrobe). 

In other words, I’m not changing this aspect of me until I have to, in which case I’ll be sure to have a hoodie and jeans in my Xterra to change into as soon as I can. 

This also means that I’m gonna transfer to a university (which I’ll use synonymously with “a four year” from now on) always looking like I have elk in my freezer.

Now, I’m pretty sure universities are much more casual and diverse than they’re depicted in the media (or in my mom’s stories from her college days). But whenever I think about academia, formal attire and arrogant, privileged geniuses are among the first things that come to mind. To say that I don’t fit into that in any way, shape, or form would be an understatement. 

Worse, I’ve encountered such things in community college from the very get-go, which probably partially explains why, seven semesters into my degree, I still feel wildly out-of-place. I fear I’ll feel even more out-of-place the further I get into academics. 

However, the more I think about it, the less I think that my feelings of being wildly out-of-place are bad or wrong. After all, when I ask myself if I really want to fit in with my peers, my kneejerk reaction is always an enthusiastic “No!”

I don’t want to fit into the culture of my college, or the culture of academia as a whole. I’d much rather be myself than force myself into any sort of cookie-cutter identity of any kind, for the mere sake of trying to “fit in”. 

I’ve tried to “fit-in” before many times. Hell, at the college prep school I attended (and was literally bullied out of), I was forced to fit in by wearing a strict uniform and following a very strict list of “academic attributes”. I did both things perfectly at school, but I still got bullied by peers and teachers alike for things I could not control. The lesson in that experience clearly was, “No matter what you do, you can’t fit in… You’ll never belong…”

At least, that’s the lesson twelve-year-old-me came out of that experience believing.

Honestly, it’s a belief I still hold, albeit much more loosely. Because while I don’t fit into the culture of my college or academia as a whole, I also don’t fit entirely into redneck culture either. 

I didn’t grow up in a small town. There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell I could make a living as a farmer or a trucker. I don’t drink or smoke. I couldn’t care less about football or rollin’ coal. And I’m very picky about where I sleep and shit (I have fairly high living standards, compared to some people I’m related to).

So, where do I belong? 

While I may not feel that I belong anywhere specific at the moment, I do believe that I belong in general, as do all people. In general, I belong as a living, breathing human on God’s green earth. My brushes with death and the miracles it took to save me from eternity have convinced me that I belong alive, still. I don’t know why or even how I’m still alive. I just know that I am, and I feel obligated to take advantage of the fact that I’m as healthy and alive as I am. 

Of course, the majority of my peers won’t understand where I’m coming from, which is partly what makes it so hard for me to connect to others and find that sense of belonging. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t belong at college. Clearly, I do, because I’m a student at my college and my name’s on the roster of every class I attend. I just don’t have that feeling of belonging, which is what I’m really trying to get. 

Knowing I belong and feeling a sense of belonging are two very different things. I know that I belong at college, because as I mentioned before, I’m enrolled at my college as a student. But I haven’t found any sense of belonging at my college, because I simply can’t seem to fit in or connect with my peers or professors.

That feeling of belonging has almost nothing to do with the way that I dress. I could dress like everyone else, and I’d still feel like an oddball. People would pick up on those oddball tendencies of mine as well, because no matter what I do or what I look like, I’ll always be very different from everyone else, for reasons well beyond my control. 

To be continued…