On one hand, I’m a college student (a very good one, too, at least according to my grades). I’m enrolled at Arapahoe Community College, twenty or so minutes from Downtown Denver, and I’m seriously considering going to a university after getting my associates. I attend every class (unless I have a doctor’s appointment or I’m not feeling well, in which case, I’ll literally study on the shitter if I have to), complete every assignment as soon as possible, and am on the Dean’s List. All without too much effort on my part.
To prevent myself from burning out, I don’t study too hard (I study a maximum of two hours per day, but I usually study for 15-30 minutes a day). And when I am studying, I usually have Minecraft opened up on my phone, or a painting to work on nearby, so I can keep my brain relaxed while I’m studying (if that makes sense). I go to bed no later than 11:00 PM and am up-and-at-em by 8:00 every morning. I take things slowly in the morning; I don’t even think about my list of to-do’s till I’m dressed, brushed, fed, and have gone on my morning walk/hike (or have done at least 30 minutes of exercise on my elliptical if the weather’s too shitty). I never cram or neglect my needs for the sake of college, nor do I beat myself up if I get a bad grade (which happens to all of us). And… well… I’m still doing phenomenally well! How is that possible?!
On the other hand, I’m an outsider. I don’t relate to my peers very well, and no matter how many social groups, get-togethers, and other non-formal on-campus events I attend, I just don’t quite fit in with my peers. I don’t fit in with my professors, either. Sure, they like me and give me good grades and all that. But, I don’t see myself as “academic material”, if that makes sense. Why do I say that?
I can’t stand the professionalism or the politics I’m often confronted with in college (such as those formal rewards ceremonies and Dean’s List dinners I’m often invited to, but never attend. I don’t even have business casual clothes, let alone business formal ones. My list of reasons for why that’s the case is miles long).
Some professors (and many peers) also have a certain aura of arrogance and disdain for people I relate to (and sometimes even identify with), that just… rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about the way people sometimes look at and treat me that just feels… patronizing… and… contemptuous… for lack of better terms. And the fact that they treat me differently after I’ve proven to them that I’m a good student, also says a lot.
So, is it still hard to see why I struggle with my identity as a college student? Why I find it much harder to accept an “A” grade than an “F” grade? Why the mere thought of being considered a college student sometimes makes me want to hide in my basement den and never come out? Why I struggle to reconcile my culture (for lack of better words), with the culture of academia, even though I’m doing just that now?
To answer this, I’ve turned to looking at my family history. After all, I was raised by these people, which means they probably influenced me a lot too. And, like mine, my parents', grandparents', great-grandparents', etc. childhoods were all pretty damn rough and traumatic, to say the least.
On my paternal side, my dad’s generation is the first one to go to college. My aunt was the first in the family to get a degree (a two year associate’s), and my dad was the second one of the family to get his associate’s in business (my uncle Wade took over the family farm, and my uncle Wes went to a trade school to learn how to build computer parts. For some reason, I wrongly thought my uncle Wes had an engineering degree, but he only has a high paying skill).
On my maternal side, my family’s more educated, but I still wouldn't consider them to be "academic". My grandpa Lyle went to a university where he got a Master’s in Psychology (but he never used it, as construction and the phone company paid more than a job in Psychology did at the time). And my grandma Debbie was the first person in her family to graduate high school, and also the first person to get a degree (a nursing degree from Arapahoe Community College). As far as I know, most of my great aunts and uncles also went to college (my great uncle Gary, who lives in Seattle, got a Master’s in Physics and worked as an aerospace engineer for Boeing).
When I was born, my mom was finishing up her Bachelor’s degree in Social Sciences at Metro State University, but being a full-time social worker didn’t pay the bills nor offer the flexibility she needed to keep me alive. So, she got into Real Estate (to become a Real Estate agent, one must only pass the licensing exam, which my mom apparently aced her first try).
Needless to say, my family is... well... my family.
