For the record, these interactions haven’t really offended me. They’re way more funny than they are offensive. But, I still occasionally let myself dissect those interactions and figure out what makes me stand out so much, and why I don’t feel like I belong anywhere near higher education. And, as far as I can tell, the fact that I wear camo every day is only the very tippy top of that iceberg.
Thankfully, I’m not the only person who has ever felt insecure about this particular subject. Awhile back (whenever my birthday was), I got two books that I finally got around to reading starting a few weeks ago: Educated by Tara Westover, and Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance. Both of these books were written by people who’ve been in my shoes before, and there were parts in both books that sounded like something I'd write.
Westover grew up with a crazy prepper family in the middle of nowhere Idaho, and ended up getting a PhD from Cambridge university. Vance grew up in an Appalachia shithole with an absent dad and druggie mom, and ended up going to Yale Law school. Both authors have written extensively about how out-of-place they felt in college, and both of their accounts felt very relatable to me. Almost (but not quite) as relatable as Jay Gironimi’s Can’t Eat, Can’t Breathe, and Other Ways Cystic Fibrosis Has Fucked Me, but still very relatable nonetheless.
All that said, I’m still very much enjoying my time at college, even if I sometimes get unfairly judged by my peers and professors (in a non-bullying way that is, if that makes sense). I like the diversity of people and ideas that I’m exposed to every time I arrive on campus. I enjoy the academic challenges presented to me in college (even if learning Chicago manual for the first time made me want to throw my laptop out the fucking window). And, I will admit, I really like disproving people’s knee-jerk reactions towards me. The looks on some of those people’s faces once they realize that their assumptions about me were completely wrong, are priceless.
Plus, my confidence and hope for the future have really only improved since I stepped into my Astronomy class for the first time in the fall of 2021. Sure, I still hold an overall pessimistic (and downright nihilistic) view on most things. I still fear things like calculus and picking an actual major for once, like I fear porcelain dolls and carpeted bathrooms. And, I’m not a people-person by any stretch of the imagination.
But, so far, college has been truly enjoyable for me; it evokes the same feelings I have towards hunting and off-roading. It sucks major fucking ass in the moment a lot of the time. But there are moments of awe and bliss while one’s going through that hell, and there’s almost always a massive reward in the end (meat for the freezer, sore muscles, great stories, knowledge, confidence, life-altering experiences, etc).
Since starting college in the Fall of 2021, I have made immense progress both in my personal and academic life. I went from having zero confidence in myself or my academic abilities, to realizing (and accepting) that I’m definitely a lot smarter than I look. I can hold my own in college extremely well, despite still having iffy study habits (such as, playing Minecraft on my phone while listening to recorded lectures on my laptop), and chugging caffeinated soda in class like my cousins chug their beer and whiskey at family get-togethers.
Yet, both my peers and professors alike come to respect and admire me very quickly, because I’m one of those students who sits in the front of the class and blurts out nearly every question and answer that comes to mind without a second thought. While looking like I’d just emerged from the woods after chasing wildlife with my camera, wearing my chewed-up cowboy boots and paint-stained camo hoodies.
There is a dichotomy here; one that triggers my Imposter Syndrome and anxiety regularly. Though, it’s damn near impossible to put into words.
