I have too much to learn, explore, and understand to keep reverting back to my old "I'm gonna die soon" mindset. Figuring out how to be an adult is daunting for anyone. For me, it feels nearly impossible, and I feel so far behind my peers. 

Logically, I know I will be fully independent sooner than later if I continue to learn and grow as I am. Logically, I know most of my normal peers are in the exact same boat as I am: young, living with their parents, having no idea what they want to do for the rest of their days. However, knowing logically that I'm pretty much right where I need to be as a twenty-one year old, I still feel terribly unstable, uncertain, and quite afraid of what my future may hold. Since very few people seem to understand where I'm coming from, it's extremely difficult and energy-depleting to explain exactly how and why I feel like I do. 

Since Trikafta, it seems like my existential crisis has only gotten worse over the last few years. The more "adult" I become, the closer to independence I come, the healthier I get as time moves on, all contribute to my growing anxiety. Honestly, it's getting to a point where I'm feeling more and more paralyzed by fear and dread as I discover more and more opportunities and possibilities.

What do I mean by that?

Well, five years or so ago, I didn't think I'd go to college. I was too damn sick to even attend high school back then, so why would I ever bother with college if I didn't have the strength or energy to even lift my head off my pillow some days? Also, after suffering through school for eleven years, I was convinced that I was hopelessly stupid and terrible at everything I tried. That was until my CF forced me into homebound, and my teacher (now friend), Eric, actually knew how to teach me in a way that I understood. Over time, I figured out that not only was I not a complete idiot, if I got physically healthy again (and garnered the courage to get over my fear of driving enough to get my license), then I could start attending college. 

Six months after I graduated high school, Trikafta came along and literally gave me a new body; subsequently, a new life. 

Very long story short, in the fall of 2021, I attended and completed my first class of my college career: a tough though rewarding Astronomy course. In those sixteen weeks, I discovered that I was, indeed, cut out for college. Contrary to what I once whole-heartedly believed. 

Not only that, but the math-and-physics heavy course came fairly easy to me. I not only had no trouble following and solving equations, completing our weekly Astronomy labs, or grasping the concepts (though still struggling to actually remember the names of the concepts, though my professor kept the tests open-note so I didn't have to worry so much about that). But, I was actually enjoying myself and having fun with my peers in that class.

My biggest hurdle that semester was my anxiety surrounding all of the new things I encountered, almost completely by myself. That anxiety led to physical exhaustion and burnout. Yet, I survived and passed the class. Not only that, but my confidence was raised from the dead. Ok, I still had (and have) a long way to go before I became fully confident in myself, but at least I'd gotten over my fear of equations longer than y=mx+b. 

So, the following semester, I took on two classes instead of just one, though these two classes had less credits combined than my astronomy course. Yet, I had a much harder time in my Literature class than I thought I would. Why? Because, I fucking hated 95% of the fiction I came across, and socially-speaking, I was the least extroverted and emotional person in the room. Plus, thanks to writer's group, I already knew how to write and critique literature. So, I was really just bored to tears with the material, and wanted my Astronomy class back so I could actually learn something new and interesting, and be intellectually challenged. 

I tortured myself with shitty young-adult fiction just enough to pass the class, all while I wrestled with the realization that maybe the artsy-fartsy side of things wasn't exactly my forte. Maybe, just maybe, a career in the math/science side of things would be better for me than a full-time freelance writing career. That was a wild pill to swallow, considering how my K-12 years went.