Talking about it is hard because I almost never find anyone who gets it, or is willing to talk about it, and it almost never comes out right anyway. I know better than to bring it up with just any old war veteran. Most vets don't talk about their pain and don't want to, and to be honest, I hardly ever want to talk about mine either. But, it's important to talk about, because PTSD is a largely misunderstood and misrepresented condition, and as I was writing this, some news broke out that I highly doubt will help with that stigma. 

My social anxiety shows. I give pretty much everyone I meet the silent treatment until I know them enough to feel comfortable. It's nothing personal. It's just my way of figuring out who to trust, because I've been burned and back-stabbed more times than I can count. But that doesn't mean I don't assume the best of people when I first meet them, because I do.

I'm just shy and cautious of people, which is something my parents actually really love about me since they know I'm not gonna go sneaking off with the wrong crowd. Plus, if anyone messes with me, I will fight back and I will tell everyone I know who can help me. My social life may be a bit in the toilet, but I can survive with just a small circle of friends, and at the very least my family. I always have and I always will. 

PTSD is and isn't what people think it is. It's different for everyone, but the same for everyone too. For some people, treatment works, and for others it doesn't. But we all have our own little ways of coping with it. My ways just happen to be through humor, exercise, and writing. I may be a changed person after what I've gone through, but I wouldn't say the changes are all bad. If anything, PTSD has turned me into the best version of myself, because I see the world in a different light, and am appreciative of every day I'm blessed with. 

While it keeps me perpetually in therapy, it doesn't keep me from doing the things that I love the most. Nor does it prevent me from feeling, thinking, or interacting with the world like anyone else. Like most people with PTSD, I'm not a danger to myself or society, and I can handle whatever triggers me just fine. My head may constantly be on a swivel, and I may start to sweat and shiver at times, but that's just how it's always been, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. 

PTSD just means I've seen some shit. But it doesn't automatically make anyone who suffers from it a burden on society or a threat. In fact, PTSD, more often than not, has the opposite effect. We just have to remove most of the stigma so more people can feel comfortable about asking for help, kinda like what we've done with anxiety and depression, so they can be the best versions of themselves that they can be.

Unfortunately, while I know a lot of veterans who have sought help, I know a lot who haven't. And they haven't because they are afraid of a number of different things, ranging from fears that their rights to gun ownership and voting will be revoked, to fears of being looked down upon and/or feared by society. And to be honest, I've had those same exact fears before, but the therapists and psychologists I've had, have all reassured me that won't happen unless I have something other than PTSD that makes me clinically crazy. 

PTSD isn't something to be ashamed of. It's just a condition, kind of like how Cystic Fibrosis is a condition. It's there and it will always be there, but it's manageable, and it does get better with time and age. People like me just have to figure out the one thing that helps them cope, because there's not a fix-all solution. 

For some, EMDR works wonders, while it didn't have an effect on me at all. For others, talking about it helps. It helped me, to an extent, but what really helped me was getting outside and enjoying myself. Hunting, motocross, target shooting, horseback riding, cattle ranching, and even Tae Kwon Do have all helped me get through my pain, by replacing terrible yet faded memories from my childhood with fresh, wonderful memories, as well as tiring me out so I can sleep through the night with a smile on my face. 

It just comes down to what works and what doesn't. And, if we remove the stigma and misconceptions of PTSD, and encourage people to get help, the world will be a better place, especially for war veterans and survivors of extreme childhood trauma like myself. PTSD isn't really a terrible thing. Yes, it hurts a lot, but it doesn't mean we're crazy or dangerous or unstable. It's a treatable condition, and is simply what happens when we go through hell. 

If you or someone you know has PTSD, there is hope. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone. 

Special thanks to Eric Hodgdon and everyone else I met and got to know at the conference in Boston. Y'all are amazing people.