I still can't help but think about all of those people who have died fighting the same battle I'm fighting. It sometimes weighs heavy on my mind, and puts me in a fog. Sometimes I'll see the CFers who have died in my nightmares, especially when I'm sick. I've stopped looking for people with CF on social media for a lot of reasons, one being that I can't really deal with or comprehend seeing them dying. Survivor's guilt weighs heavily on my shoulders some days, and I know I won't know why God chose me to live until my purpose is fulfilled. 

So instead of begging God for an answer I'll never get, I've decided to just live my life and see what the future holds. I know my life is uncertain, but I'm at peace about it. Whatever life throws at me, I'll be able to take it. What is there to fear when God is on my side? Truth is, nothing. That doesn't mean I'm not afraid of things, but it means I can be at peace about many things, including my disease and my fate. 

It's basically impossible for me to fathom how far I've come, but at the same time, looking back at my past makes me feel better about the future. My story is unbelievable; stranger than fiction some may say. But it's true, and it really happened to me. I have the scars to prove it. My chest is split in two by my foot-long heart surgery scar,  and my torso is littered with faded welts where tubes and wires were inserted into my body to keep me alive. I have more scars from various childhood and dirtbike injuries, although I don't revere them as much as I do the medical scars. I take a lot of pride in my scars, but I don't like to show them off to people. 

My scars serve as a constant reminder of all the things that have tried and failed to kill me. I've realized I'm so much stronger than I think I can be, and sometimes stronger than I ever want to be. I know that sounds strange, but sometimes I wish I can just be weak and let someone else take over the battle, but I can't. No one can fight my CF except for me. Sure, doctors can assist with medications, people can talk me through it, and God can come in anytime and save me, but for the most part I'm alone. I'm one soldier against an army of trillions of illnesses, and backup's never gonna arrive.