Once again, I found myself hiking on one of the many private hiking trails Ken Caryl had to offer. More specifically, I hiked on the least traveled trail I knew of in the valley; one that led through grassy plains and alongside a creek, which if followed, would lead between two hogbacks and spit me out in a field by C470, where huge electric poles ran along the front range. I didn't plan to go that far, but to instead follow it till I reached a boulder that was in the grass near the trail. There, I'd perch myself up on that granite boulder, and take in the sights and sounds of nature of that autumn evening.
Golden light basked over the landscape, casting my shadow ahead of myself as I hiked towards the eastern hogbacks. The dried autumn grass hissed in the wind, their seeds occasionally blown off by stronger gusts and sprinkled like flower pedals across the red dirt path I followed. Wispy clouds hung high above in the teal sky, tinted pink, purple, orange, and golden by the setting sun. Besides the wind, it was once again silent. I hiked totally silent and undisturbed.
But, just like I'd talk to a friend, I began to speak aloud to God. At first, I just spoke about the nature I was surrounded by. How beautifully colorful the skies above me were, how mesmerizing it was to watch the wind rush through the golden, auburn grass in great, fast-moving waves, and how I was still so baffled by the age of the massive rocks and boulders that formed the hogbacks ahead of me. However, once I reached the boulder I mentioned before and perched up onto it like a gargoyle, the conversation turned serious.
"Lord..." I began, gazing up at the colorful sky, "I don't understand... I don't get why you allowed me to be born and created as I was... Why you didn't let me die when I absolutely should've... Why you have continued to let me suffer and get sick, only saving me at the very last second... It isn't fair!"
A bitter taste tainted my mouth as anger and envy reared their ugly heads, "I am no longer so naive to how normal people live and feel... I have a better understanding of how easy their lives are compared to mine... I've been healed so often, to the point that I know now just how sick I used to be... Why me, God? Why was I allowed to live and be so healthy, when so many others never even made it out of the delivery room alive... Why was I allowed to live, only to turn into the godforsaken creature I am today... Shouldn't have someone more grateful, more fearless, and less skeptical than me been given such a wonderous gift, because I can't seem to accept it... I'm angry, God. I'm so angry... And hurt."
The quiet sound of wings fluttering above me caught my attention, and I watched as a large hawk of some kind landed on a telephone pole about thirty yards or so away from me. He was facing his chest towards me, his head twitching around as he scanned the wilderness for something to eat. But, then he locked his eyes in my direction, his yellow beak shimmering in the last rays of the evening sun.
Without breaking eye-contact with the creature, I got back to praying, talking as though God had taken the form of a hawk and was perched up on that telephone pole, listening to me pour my heart and soul out to Him.
"God..." I sighed, "Thank you for listening to me rant about and pretty much shit all over the things I know, damn well, I ought to be nothing but grateful for. I mean... I'm alive! I'm well! I'm healthier than ever before, and still improving! Why can't I accept that, take advantage of that even? Why must I feel so guilty, unworthy, scared, and alone? Why am I still so prone to disbelieving in You and all other spiritual and miraculous things, when it's plainly obvious that there's so much more than just this universe... I don't expect these questions to ever be answered, at least not while I'm still alive in this universe, Lord. But, they haunt me. They keep me up at night. They frustrate me. They make me hate myself so damn much... I wish I could just be happy, grateful, and faithful for once..."
My eyes had wandered to the grass below the boulder I was seated on, but when I lifted them up, the hawk was still on the telephone pole, watching me. So, I continued still, "Maybe, one day, after years and years of wrestling with all of the bullshit I've been through and will go through, I will finally come to terms with everything... I will finally find peace, and will be nothing but grateful and faithful... But, right now, I'm nowhere near that yet, as badly as I wish I was..."
All of a sudden, I heard the hawk's wings beating against air as he soared eastward. Then, I noticed that the air around me had become intensely still and silent. So still, in fact, that I could hear my heart beating in my ears. It was as though nature herself was holding her breath to hear what I had to say next. But, I struggled to really express with words what I was feeling and thinking, so I trusted God to know and listen to what I had going on in my mind while I just sat, still and silent as the world around me.
Not quite sure what to say or do, I pulled the neck of my hoodie down to expose the heart monitor my cardiologist stuck to me hours earlier. Every few seconds, a little green light would flash, signifying that the monitor was on and collecting information. I wondered what it was capturing as I hiked, and as I prayed. I wondered what compelled God to suddenly and instantly heal my heart when I was five years old, facing a lifetime of open heart surgeries and other related procedures. I wondered how the data that little USB was collecting from me would compare to data it could collect from someone with a completely normal, healthy, unscathed heart.
I then switched my attention to my fingers. While still slightly clubbed, they were nowhere near as deformed as they were before I got my CF and heart issues under strict control. My hands were also quite warm. Unusually warm, in fact. Despite the cold air, I was so warm, but not in a bad way. I was just... normal.
Smiling, I took in a long, deep breath, making sure to fill up my chest with as much air as I possibly could. My airways were perfectly clear and open. My torso expanded without rattling or squeaking. I could smell the earthy scents of the grasses around me, as well as the slight damp smell of the creek about twenty yards ahead of me in the ditch. I swear, I even caught a whiff of someone's grill from the houses a half-mile west of me.
At that moment, I realized that I was actually feeling and expressing gratefulness. I was suddenly joyful and content, glad to be alive. I wasn't sure how long my gratefulness and peace would last, but while I was experiencing it, it didn't matter how long I'd remain that way before anger and envy seeped back into my heart. All that mattered was the present. Well, almost.
It was getting dark, so I made my way back to the truck before twilight (as safe as I felt at that moment, I still didn't want to get ambushed by a rabid raccoon on my way back). As I hiked back up the hillside, I felt much lighter and less bitter than I did when I first set foot on that red dirt path down through the golden grass. Sure, there were still hints of that negativity, but they were greatly overshadowed by my appreciation for the things God blessed me with.
And, all it took was a prayer, where I released my inner demons to God.
