Thankfully, when my mind is clearer and I am well-rested, I realize my mistakes, and make it an urgent goal to stop being an asshole towards myself and others (even if my assholishness is silently in my mind). After all, no matter how much my tenacious heart denies it, my health conditions have held me back in some ways. And, it’s a miracle I am as far in life as I am! So, why can’t I accept the praise and grace people closest to me offer me? Why must I be so damn hard on myself? Why do I compare myself to everyone else around me, even though I know damn well that there are a million things wrong with that? 

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve been chastised by teachers or distant relatives for not reaching certain goals or meeting certain expectations, even if such shortcomings were never my fault. Perhaps, their words have seeped deep into my subconsciousness, and have begun to alter how I see myself. That, and I’m sure being exposed to media that romanticizes everything possible my whole life hasn’t helped. Though, I’m also pretty sure my low self-esteem and tendency to be horrendously harsh towards myself, comes from nobody other than me, and the frustration I have dealt with living life I have. 

I think I'll always desire to be "normal" and live a cookie-cutter lifestyle. My frustration and envy are rooted in that desire (which is a very unrealistic thing for me to want as badly as I do). Logically, I know that no matter how far science progresses in my lifetime, no matter how healthy and normal I look and act on the surface, no matter what I do to try to shoehorn myself into being just as normal as everyone else, I will never, ever, ever, achieve a "normal" life. One where my body isn't scarred by medical procedures, where I don't have a spring and a stent in my heart, where I don't have to take copious amounts of obscure medication every morning and evening to stay alive, where my brain isn't constantly paying attention to every little detail right down to my heartbeat, where I don't have to go to an excruciatingly long doctor's appointment nearly every month, etc, etc. 

For me, the fact that I'll never be as "normal" as most others around me, is an impossible pill to swallow. At least, right now. After all, I am extremely healthy and well, especially considering the fact that I have several conditions that should've killed me years ago. Doctors are routinely stunned by how physically and even mentally healthy I am, considering my circumstances. I am often told that I clearly have some sort of "important purpose" in life, almost as though I'm some sort of "chosen one" (which, by the way, really bothers me, as I don't see myself as someone worthy of that title). Because, otherwise I wouldn't be alive. 

Yet, I'll forever be scarred and branded by my conditions, which I must go to great lengths to hide so people treat me like anyone else. I wish I could let people get close to me without them ever finding out that I'm a genetic abomination. I wish I didn't have to worry about health insurance, numerous doctors' calls and appointments, studies and trials, new experimental medications, infectious diseases, psychologist/psychiatrist appointments, or any of that bullshit! I wish I just had a normal childhood, where I wasn't wracked with anxiety and phobias and illness all the damn time. I wish I was far less skittish and much more brazen than I am. I wish I could just "be myself" without freaking out "normal" people. I wish, I wish, I wish...