No matter where it comes from, anxiety lights up the brain exactly the same way. My anxiety about fighting traffic, attending classes downtown, and dealing with lots and lots of people in tight spaces flanked by massive buildings with no easy escape, is the exact same anxiety that I felt when the biting wind began to howl past my ears and cut through my layers. Except it was worse, because that anxiety- that irrational, stupid fear I knew, damn well, was fucking stupid- stacked up like a de-buff in World of Warcraft.
I can handle crowds. I can handle tight spaces. I can handle traffic. I can handle difficult STEM classes. I can handle storms, and everything else that life throws at me. Just not always all at once.
Yet, there I was this morning, dealing with all of that at once, without taking off for shelter like a wild mustang. Well… kind of.
Instead, I used Eric as a windbreak for much of the hike. He didn’t mind that I was using him as a sort of shelter, but it was a dead giveaway that I was not having a great time. I was ill-prepared, cold, and very unsettled by the fact that we were literally the only two living things out there.
Everyone else was hunkered down, yet we kept going, following the trail through a sea of waving stubble between mounds of red rocks.
As Eric and I stepped up onto the crest of the hill in arguably the coldest and most exposed part of our hike, where we had a perfect view of the oncoming storm, my anxiety began to slowly subside.
As I write now, I think what was happening was that the act of walking the trail, listening for birds sheltering in the Gambel brush, searching for prints in the heavy, red sand, and catching the scents and sights of autumn in the foothills of Colorado, was enough to prevent the fear I was feeling from overwhelming me.
The act of moving around steadily but not in a hurry, only occasionally stopping to appreciate the beauty of God’s creation, eventually convinced my body that I wasn’t getting chased down by a hungry tiger. Therefore, unlike what happened on Thursday, I was able to calm down physiologically, as well as mentally.
That said, I was still eager to get back to the Xterra because, unlike Eric, I wasn’t wearing windproof clothing. I assumed that we’d get a hike in before the front came through, not while windiest, coldest part of it pushed through. But, I wasn’t nearly as concerned then as I was when we first stepped onto the trail, despite the fact that the wind wasn’t letting up and I was freezing my ass off.
Back inside the Xterra, I quickly got warmed back up and was no longer anxious. Ok, I was a little anxious, but not anywhere near to the point that I was scared. I was mostly just anxious to get home and get my schoolwork done, which was not a bad thing.
