Now that I’ve been home for a couple weeks and am resettled back into my routine, the nagging, dreadful feeling that nearly consumed me during Spring Break remains. It’s not as loud as it was since I was at the cabin, but it’s still in the back of my mind, just waiting for a quiet moment to return to the forefront. And it’s not just about my inability to afford just a few acres of empty rangeland sometime in the future. 

No, the feeling goes much, much deeper than that. 

Related to that feeling of, “I’ll never make it!”, is the feeling of being “stuck” where I am now. In a way, I feel like I’m in a place I’ve been before; a place I’ve been before that I never, ever wanted to return to again, that being going to a school downtown with no end in sight. 

Recall what I wrote about in my previous blog; between the years 2013-2016, I attended an all-girls school (GALS)  in the Santa Fe Arts District, just a mile or so away from downtown Denver. During those years, I was struggling quite a bit with both my mental and physical health, to put it lightly. I pulled through, of course, but I was very miserable during those years. I was deeply discouraged and afraid of my future. I felt wholly out-of-place and like I was doing something very wrong. I felt that something needed to change, but I had no idea what to change or how to change it!

Fast forward ten years: I’m attending a university less than a mile away from GALS, right in the heart of downtown. My physical health is much better, however my digestive system continues to give me trouble. My mental health is suffering, too, especially since I feel so trapped and am terrified of what lies ahead. I’ve yet to find my place in university, let alone the world. And I feel like something needs to change, but I have no idea what to change or how to change it. 

In other words, history seems to be repeating itself, and I really didn’t like how the story went before. 

However, not everything is the same today as it was back then. Sure, there are numerous similarities, but there are even more differences. For one, I’m not a sickly, moody teenage girl anymore. I’m a much healthier, much more stable and successful adult. I’m lightyears ahead of where I was a decade ago, especially since I’m doing and succeeding at things fourteen-year-old me thought I’d never be able to do, let alone things I never thought I’d ever want to do if given the chance. 

Yet, here I am, ten years later, doing exactly that!

Why then, do I feel the way that I do?